I have had a few decent days. Each day brought negativity and drained me, but I pushed onward. Yet, no matter what I do, they all continue to beat me down with negativity.
I shared a video I watched on YouTube with my two adult kids. You had to draw a capital Q on your forehead with your index finger. I did this and then the video stated that if you drew the Q where people looking at you could read it in the right direction, then you were a good liar. I personally hate lying and I tell the truth, which often gets them pissed off at me, but I did draw the Q so others facing me could see it. So I asked the kids to draw a Q to see what they did. My daughter drew it like I did, so others could see it facing her and my son drew it the opposite direction. I thoughts it was interesting and weird all the same, but my son instantly jumped down my throat with his negative words. Which is why I general do not even talk to him anymore. I can’t even share a stupid video with them…..
I went to my room and cried. I am so tired of living in this horrible negative place. I had instantly wished I would just die instead of having to endure yet another day of the negativity here. I then told myself to write about it instead of dwelling on it, which brought me to my journal and then here.
No matter what we are faced with, we still have the choice and the power over ourselves. I know this is a toxic environment for me and yet I have endured it for so very long. Because I fear what will happen to my grandson, my animals and even my adult kids. The question is, am I willing to give my life for it all? I had always said yes to this question, but now I am saying NO! No one has to give up their own life and well being for the sake of others. It is always a choice. There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and just stop being the door mat in your own house.
I have to get through two more days here and a 3 1/2 hour drive with two members of this household, then I get to have three weeks to explore myself without the negativity and to see what I find with in myself. Where I want to go from there and how I will change my future. I can tell you that there is no way I am willing to continue on this path that I have been on for years. I have sacrificed my own health and well being for very ungrateful beings. I imagine my vacation will be very enlightening, to say the least. That is the entire purpose of this time away. I MUST look inside of myself and find me! It has been so long, I am not sure who I really am.
Living in such a negative environment for so very long, I lost myself. I became a hermit that hides away as much as possible. That was never who I was. I am actually shocked when I look back and then to how I am now. I was always a very determined and strong person. I backed down to no one. Yet, I have become a shell of that person who hides away and doesn’t speak or stand up for anything anymore. Why? Because when I did, after my kids hit puberty, they hit me. Even then I didn’t tolerate it and let them pay the price for their own crimes, but it did not change them one bit. Even after forcing my daughter to live away from here for over 1 1/2 years, she is still the same. I can only assume, that it would be best for me to not be around and available for their questions or to take care of things. I will get my answer soon enough I suppose…………..