Hump Day…

We received around two inches of snow after about a half inch of ice yesterday and over night. I was only able to sleep about six hours, but I did wake with a bunch of energy and I felt pretty good. After a couple of hours the depression lurked back in. I forced myself to get dress and go out in the snow, which is a rarity here, to attempt to make a snowman. I have always made a snow man when ever we have received snow here. I was very careful of where I stepped. Falling is a great fear of mine. My feet are dead and it is hard to walk. The snow wouldn’t pack on its own so you couldn’t roll it to make a snowman. I hand packed three small balls and made a very small snowman, but I could not finish him. My hands hurt so bad and were so frozen I had to go inside. I had thought getting out there would lift my mood, but all it has done is drag me farther down. Feeling sorry for myself, since I can’t seem to do any of the things I have always enjoyed.

The depression makes me want to sleep, yet I am so wide awake that sleep is impossible. It would be so much easier if I could just go to sleep and try again when I woke up, but no….. My spouse and son took my grandson down to to he neighbors house. I was, of course, left here by myself. They asked me to come down, but I was set on trying to make a snowman. How nice it would be for them to take the time to be with me and do something with me. There lies much of my problems mentally! I want them to want to be with me and do something with me and then when they don’t, which is always, I feel down for it. We can only control ourselves! We have to find a way to be happy being with just ourselves! I know this and yet my mind plays this game with me. Ugh! So here I find myself, as most days, alone and down and bored. Nothing sounds like fun and when I push myself to do something anyway, I end up feeling even more down for it. What a mess! I am so tired of the only option being laying in bed and finding something to watch on Netflix.

I am tired of the double standards too! How it’s fine and dandy for him to go out to the bar and shoot pool with a friend, but if I try to go out with a friend he becomes irate! I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to feel good and do things. A portion of myself does feel energetic, yet the mind is so covered in darkness that nothing is appealing and I feel I am just rotting away the days. Something new lately, I have been feeling quite feisty sexually, as I always used to feel. I want sex and I want him to grab me and ravish me, but that never happens. I wanted it so badly yesterday that I knocked him down and climbed on top of him. Somehow I rubbed the skin right off of my elbow and I had a hell of a time getting off. I am back to constantly thinking about sex and wishing I had someone who would actively come after me. Ravish me….. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I find one thing that is good in this life? Oh how I wish I could just sleep……………

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