I remember all through my child hood I couldn’t wait to get to each milestone and become an adult. First it was, I can’t wait to be able to ride that school bus. Then, I can wait until I am officially a teenage. Onto, I can’t wait until I get my license and I can’t wait to be an adult and turn 18. Finally, I can’t wait to be 21 and I can go to a bar. The next thing you know you are an adult and you have a ton of responsibilities. I would give anything to be a kid again and not push to grow up. Even my grandson, who just turned four, is constantly saying that he is big so he can do things. You don’t know it at the time, but you have such a carefree life without the worries of paying bills. You have someone taking care of you. You never think things will happen to you either. AHH…. The simplicity of childhood. Out playing all day, just had to be home when the street lights turned on. I tried to get my kids to realize that growing up was not fun, but they still pushed on to each milestone. I do miss my kids being kids though. When they were nice and innocent. Before they grew too big and lashed out at me. When they would listen to me and know I was right. Their sweet faces when they were sleeping. However, I spoiled my kids way too much and that is my own fault. They grew to be childish and immature adults that choose partying over responsibilities.
When ever my daughter lives here with me, she causes a great deal of drama and chaos. Since puberty hit she had become one that sought out drugs and alcohol. Now, she is a quarter of a century old and has not changed her ways at all, not even after having a child of her own. She has always become mixed up with the wrong crowd. For her, the wrong crowd is usually meth addicts. When she does meth, I can always tell. She quickly becomes and evil person who spews nasty things toward me. For instance, while high on meth, she told me this…. “I can’t wait until you die so I can piss on your grave!” She has been out of my house more than six different times now. Every time she would swear she would not do the drugs again and every time she went right back to them. For the last year and a half she had been living in northern, IL and I had her son. I allowed her to come home two days before Christmas. Only a month here and she is wrapped up with those same people again. Though I do know she isn’t on the meth, yet! My reasoning for allowing her to come home was simple. No one here would take full care of her son and I have been very ill and unable too, so for his well being I let her come back. I knew instantly he had missed her something fierce and he has not left her side since she has returned. Another thing about my daughter, she is the biggest master manipulator I have ever known. She has a way with words and she slips thoughts into everyone’s heads, which then get everyone fighting. She loves drama. I know all of this about her. I know her better than anyone. I do not easily fall for her manipulation, but the other day I realized that the huge emotional warfare going on here, was actually her doing. When I step back and really listen to the words she speaks, I can see it. She sounds so sweet and caring and as if she loves you more than life it’s self and she slips in the little things to make you not trust others in the house or to make you begin to fear your partner is cheating on you. I have been through this so many times, you would think I would no longer be affected by her doings. This is not the case, as I just realized yesterday. Another thing to note, since she has been back, my animals have been acting weird. My cat that is my best friend has suddenly attacked everyone in the house yesterday, except for me. She was found growling on the window ledge as well. My dog has been suddenly acting as if he cannot hear or see very well. He has refused to eat the last two days too. He is only going on nine years old this year. I think it is the negativity in the air here. It is so thick you could cut it with a knife. The negativity is the main reason I am taking a three week break from here as soon as possible.
I could only sleep for four hours last night, so I have been up before the sun today. I keep hoping today will be the day I will emerge from my bedroom and get something accomplished. I do want to make my lotion, toner, cleanser and salves. Each day, when I do finally come out of my room, it is like I walk through a cloud of negativity. You can actually feel any and all positive thoughts or feelings suddenly leave your body. Like walking through a wall of fog. I would be accurate to say my daughter is a vampire. She sucks the positive life force from you all while she has a innocent smile upon her face. Yet, it is not only her that sucks the positive from you. “B” is also a giant negativity ball. Except he looks the part too. He looks pissed off most of his waking time. Every word that emerges from his mouth is negative. He is unable to find anything positive to say, ever! The only break I get from him is when he is not here. I see why I hide in my bedroom and bathroom. It is the only place I can block the negativity. It is the only place I can actually feel good, that is, until I come out of my room.
Here is to hoping I get something accomplished today when I do finally emerge from my den. I get to leave in exactly 14 days from now. Let the count down begin……..
My best friend kitty, Athena!