I had a Horrible Night…

Tonight was horrible! Everyone in my life here with me has either turned their back on me or is yelling nasty things to me face. No one is here for me. No matter how hard I try to just be able to talk to any of them, they either refuses to talk or they spit out hateful things. I am almost certain they are doing all they can to make me leave and never come back. I definitely want to do that now. After all, if you really love someone and don’t want them to go away, wouldn’t you talk to them and use nice words?

I have battled depression my entire life and up until now, I have never felt completely abandoned by everyone. I have felt completely alone, but I always had family members that I could talk to. My adult son does nothing but say nasty words to me and then blare his music with no regard to my well being or care that this is my house. He goes off in fits of anger and punches holes in things. My adult daughter says she loves me and that I need to leave now and find a happy life, but then says how my spouse is cheating on me and lies to me and doesn’t care about me. My spouse won’t comfort me or even try to talk to me about anything. I have two weeks to go before I get to leave this place for three weeks. I have now slipped into the darkness of despair and depression so great that I wonder if I will even be able to get out of bed to leave in two weeks. I don’t want to ever come back here again now. I now know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I cannot live in this house with these people and survive. I was going to pay the mortgage on this house until they could all get on their feet and pay it themselves. Which will leave me with no money at all for things I will need. Now, I feel a great need to just walk away and let them figure it out themselves. However, there is a small voice that worries so much about my grandson and the animals if the adults don’t get it together and cover the mortgage. My few friends keep telling me to leave and let them fend for them selves. What is the right thing to do? I know for me, the right thing to do is too leave permanently! I do have to come back after three weeks to go to the doctor and refill my medications, but I could leave after that if I am able to find a doctor down in Florida that will take me on. Maybe I should pay the mortgage for the next two months then play it by ear after that.

I need to make things before I leave too. I make all my own cleaners, soap and healing salve. So I need to make these before I go so I have them. Yet, the darkness engulfs me and is pulling me down to its depths. I honestly felt like I wouldn’t make it through the night tonight! I desperately wanted to just die and be done with all the pain and suffering. It is hard enough to get through each day in constant pain, then add to that how horribly I am treated and being completely alone. If I ever find a time machine I will definitely go back to before I was conceived and make sure I never am conceived! I have lived through far too much to continue to endure so much more. I can honestly understand why someone would take their own life. Feeling like it was the only way out. But never fear, I am far too afraid to do such a thing. The thoughts are there, but I suffer in so much pain already I can not inflict any more upon myself in an attempt to end it all. Not to mention with the luck I have, I wouldn’t be able to succeed anyway and I would live even longer in even more pain!

I feel my body and my mind shutting down to protect myself. I can barely keep my eyes open now from all the stress and depression. Sleep calls unto me. I shall lay my head down now and sleep will be very welcomed. I imagine I will sleep for many hours this time. The more the better. Since while I sleep, I do not feel pain or despair. Good night my friends…. May tomorrow bring some peace my way………….

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I had a Horrible Night…

  1. Grainne says:

    Oh my friend…I do hate to hear such sadness in your words. It must be impossible to stay positive in the least when you are surrounded by such cruel and negative energy. Hold onto whatever you can and get through these weeks. Your break will come soon…xox Is there any way you can reschedule that docs appointment you are staying to keep? Maybe if you can reschedule, or get on the cancellation list, things will be a little easier?

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to help your family, not that they really seem to deserve it, but I know how worried you are for your grandson. That said, you should not go without for the sake of them. You know? You have suffered enough and they are all adults who need to start taking care of themselves. You don’t have to cut them off emotionally, entirely…you don’t have to be absolutely alone…but you do need to get away from that place and clear your mind…figure out which direction is going to be best for you in the end.

    You have my support through this, so you know. I’ll be here to unload on or chat with, whenever I can be. xox

    • Thank you so much for always being here for me! I have checked in with the doctor about any cancellation so we shall see. I would never leave my family completely. Even if I did not live here with them, I would still be in contact. I know my kids must fear me doing what their father has done. He doesn’t call, write or send gifts at all. I could never do such a thing. Maybe when they see that I would not do as their father, they will calm down some! I already do not tell them what to do and allow them to do as they wish, they are adults. I definitely do not agree with the way they live their life and that is one reason why it would be best for me to not be here. I have never been able to understand why anyone would want to drink daily until they were completely drunk. I do know many people that do this however. I was married to two drunks already in my life and I think that may be why I see it differently than most. I don’t like alcohol or the way it makes me feel. I have never liked not being in control of myself. If something made me feel high I never liked it. To each is own I guess. I just need a break and to look at my life and make the best possible choices for me.

Any possitive comments are welcome.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s