No matter what I do, I am always left by myself while the others hang out together. For instance, last night My spouse, B, said he was too tired to watch a movie or anything. So, I went a head and started reading. Around 10:30 I took my night time meds and went a head and got into bed. B then comes in and tells me that he is going to stay up and play a video game with my son. Whatever, is what I thought to myself. Three hours later I woke and he was still not in bed. So I emerged to see what was going on. He was sitting in the living room with my son and daughter and he was watching TV. I immediately felt like no one gives a rats ass about me here and that they will all be so much happier when I am not here. I made a comment about him saying he was tired three hours ago. Then I said how we could of done someone together, as I have said so many times before, but he chose to be happier with me in bed. I expected he would, at the least, try to apologize or something, but no….. He just sat out there for another hour. I packed two suit cases and was in the bathroom when he came in to go to bed. He asked why I had suitcases out. I told him it seemed to me everyone would be much happier if I was not here. He slammed the door and then went to bed. How does he do that? How do you just go to bed, unless you really don’t care! I told him I was done trying to find ways for us to be together. He asked if I was going to leave today, because if I was going to attempt to drive the van, he needed to get his tools out and he informed me that he did not think the van would make the entire trip. Really!?! WoW! Ok then, I know where I stand don’t I! They all just want me to pay the mortgage and continue to hide away in my room. He makes no attempt to do things with me, ever, no matter what I say. I was hoping while I was gone for three weeks to my parents house next month, he would make an attempt to show me that he loves me and misses me. I guess that won’t be happening. To me, the answer is right in front of my face, move down and live with my parents and stop paying the mortgage here. Then, I worry about my grandson and all the animals here that would also loose a home. Why can’t I just not care? Why is it that I always worry about everyone else? I know they could come up with a way to cover all the bills, but they will have to stop drinking and partying and actually grow the hell up!
My mom told me she would help me in away way she could, but that I should stay and stick to the plan because of my doctor appointments. She is right. I’m just so damn miserable here. I guess the next two weeks I need to focus on being happy with myself and learn to let go of the others. I already spend most of my life in my bedroom and bathroom so it won’t take too much to work on separating myself from the others. My daughter basically told me that she can’t wait for me to leave. She loves me but doesn’t like living with me. The feeling is mutual there, but gee, thanks for the love! I have made life way too easy for them. Both my adult children are alcoholics and spend money, I have no clue how they find, on way too much alcohol! My son just snaps at me all the time about me not caring about him if I leave and they have to figure out how to cover the mortgage. Yeah, that’s the way to make me feel loved! This is MY house and yet I am the one that has to hide to survive in it. Anytime I have tried to have one of my adult children removed from this house, the police don’t do a thing. They just tell me to go pay $75 to have them evicted and then they will make sure they leave. Even when they are called when holes are punched in my walls, they just say they can’t do anything about it because they live here. This is the most messed up place I have ever lived. In Illinois, if they even broke something that was theirs, the cops would arrest them. I absolutely hate it here!
The one problem I have about moving for good, is finding good doctors. I need a good GP, I love the one I found here, and I need a good pain doctor. I will look into what is available while I am down for the three week visit. I don’t want to move then have to go through all kinds of withdrawals because the doctor down there will not prescribe my medications. The other option, is I try to wean myself off the medication before I officially move there. That scares me, because I live with so much pain and I know how much worse it can be without the pain medication.
I have always wished my spouse would be romantic and act like he was still trying to date me. I have been married three times now and not one of them have been like that. I spent my life too worried about being alone and latched on to who was there at the time. Stupid! I worried about being alone and yet I always ended up alone even though I was married. That must be a lesson I am supposed to learn. To just be happy being with just myself! I sure wasted many years living in unhappiness just to not be alone. How stupid of me! In the short weeks I have ever actually been alone, I was happier than I ever was while I was with someone else. I have come to the conclusion that men are just not worth my time. Way too much BS to put up with when I have a man in my life. They are always so awesome in the beginning, but when they know they have you, they completely change…….