I Actually Feel Excited…

Yes, I actually feel excited. I will be moving sometime later this year down to live closer to my mother. I wish I could leave right now. I have spent my entire life either a child living with my parents or a mother living with my children. My children are adults. My youngest is almost 22 years old now. They live with me and they are alcoholics. I have scraped by just to give them a roof over their heads and they spend money, that I have no clue how they obtain, on alcohol. It is time I focused on me and my healing. I spend most of my life in my room so I don’t have to be around the drinking and so I avoid being spoken to horribly by my adult children. It is way past time this stopped. I informed them of the bills and that they will have to pay them or loose a roof over their heads. I have to stop worrying about them and worry about myself. I am leaving them better off than I ever was. They cannot even rent a place for the amount it costs to maintain this place. It is time they took the money the throw away on being drunk and using it to keep a roof over their heads. My youngest is insulin defendant diabetic and he does not do a darn thing to help himself. As long as I am here, they will never grow up and be responsible. So here it is! You have several months to find jobs and work out how you will pay the bills and care for the little one here. Good luck!

I absolutely hate living life from my bedroom. How wonderful it will be to have a house to myself. How delightful it will be to clean and it stay clean. I have no doubt they will continue to be the giant slobs that they are, but maybe, just maybe, a light will go off in their heads. I love my children, but I cannot live with them. Maybe I won’t have so much pain, when I am out of this negative environment. But even if I do, I will be able to rest in peace! So I have started a list of The things I will need in order to leave behind the things they will need. I am going to have a large yard sale so I can make some money toward the moving expenses. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe, when they have to go without things, they will see how truly good they have always had it. I know that worked for me back when I was 17 years old with a four month old baby and moved into an apartment on my own for the first time. Suddenly, I did not have clothes or anything. Though, I have never been one much for drinking myself, so I did not waste money on that type of thing. I did spend years making where ever I lived, into a comfortable and nice place. I have tried so many times to get through to them and make them see how everything must be cleaned or it will eventually fail to work or even decay. So much of my life have been wasted on trying to get through to them and dealing with the horrible way they treat me. I for one, can no longer sit here hiding in my room from my own children and how they treat me.

Yes, it is high time I thought about myself and my well being! I am not getting any younger. I have never lived for myself. How magical this could all be! The excitement I feel is quite amazing. Gee, how long has it been since I feel like this? Let see, back in 2007 I felt excited and looked forward to a future. I was getting married and I was moving as well. So seven years then. My chronic pain began somewhat in 2009, but did not become a huge burden until after a beating in 2010. Think of the possibilities! Maybe I will find a doctor that can and will help me more. Maybe I will finally have some friends. I used to have friends, but let’s face it, no one likes being around nasty and negative people and that would be my children. It took everything I had to realize that leaving them is the best option. I always feared for them, but by doing that I have created two monsters. They need to fend for them selves. I went without a dryer for a long time and had to hang my clothes. My spoiled children refused to do that and I think back then was when I really started to see how rotten they really are! We want to give our kids everything, but giving them everything makes them very spoiled and they are unable to think for themselves. To this day they both come to me wanting me to answer their problems. No matter how many years I have told them that each of their choices will have consequences. I even got to the point I stopped doing everything for my son and pushed him to take care of it himself, but he just put it onto his girlfriend. Now, he is almost blind and shows a lot of issues with his memory all from refusing to take care of his blood sugars and his insulin therapy. He gets insulin through a pump. He has to have insulin or he will die, his body does not make any at all. When he was nine years old he got really sick and then dropped a bunch of weight. I felt him dying and took him to the doctor. They called a couple hours later and said to bring him to the ER immediately, because he was diabetic and his blood sugar was 1,250 and he could go into a coma at any moment. They think a virus attacked his pancreas and it stopped working. All he has to do is punch in what he eats and give himself enough to cover it, which he does often, but he refuses to take his blood sugar levels. It is impossible to control your glucose levels without knowing what your blood glucose is. I helped him get his insulin from the manufacturer when he turned 19 and Medicaid dropped him. Yes, they just dropped him even though he would die without insulin. I have told him for two years what he needs to do in order to get the supplies he needs for his pump, but he has not done a thing. It took him two years to finally try to find a doctor who would see him on a small fee. So, it doesn’t really matter what I say, does it. Nope, I will leave a list of places to contact and it is all up to him. My daughter, she is taking care of her son, but she finds a way to drink every night. She has a tendency to be happy in the early afternoon or when she is drunk and then later in the day she gets super depressed and is a nightmare to be around. Everything is everyone else’s problem but hers. So yeah, the day I move cannot come soon enough for me!


17 thoughts on “I Actually Feel Excited…

  1. joynpain2 says:

    Are you going by yourself, or is your husband going with you?

  2. Grainne says:

    Oh goodness, I did not realize it was quite so negative at your house! I knew your kids lived with you and that there were conflicts (specifically over alcohol) but now that you’ve spelled it out like this…wow. I respect anyone who will sacrifice for their kids however, when the kids start taking advantage, the best thing you can do for this is leave them to figure life out on their own. I’m so sorry you have this added stress to your life…I’ll bet the moment you get away from that place your pain will lessen, even if just because you can spend time on YOU for once.

    Alcohol is a vicious, frightening beast and it will easily consume your life if you allow it. Your kids don’t seem to be thinking for themselves at all! I mean, the insulin and blood sugar thing left me with my mouth hanging open! Indeed, you should leave the contact info for him and tell your son to start taking care of himself. Heck, at his age he should be looking after you!! šŸ˜¦

    What a stressful environment you live in. I’m delighted that you’re going to move closer to your mom and away from the stress. Hopefully it will be the wake up call your kids need and, in part, a solution for you as well! I’ll be cheering you on from the sidelines šŸ™‚

    • Already today my son has treated me horribly. I’m thinking I should just go now and stay with my mom…. Ugh!

      • Grainne says:

        That’s so sad to hear. You sacrifice so much for them and in the end to be treated with cruelty šŸ˜¦ Breaks my heart.

        Focus on that goal of yours. Find a nice little place to call your own, save up what you can and do it right. You deserve peace, quiet and time for you.

      • He is now punching things and telling me he will destroy everything…..

      • Grainne says:

        Oh god! Is there somewhere you can go right now? Is there a neighbour who might help you? He can’t do this to you….I know it’s hard to do but could you call the police? A family member who might be able to talk some sense into him?? I don’t want to see you lose everything but your safety and your heart are more important than your belongings.

        Please be safe above all else. You need some distance between you and your son right now. He needs to deal with things without threats and violence. I grew up around an angry alcoholic…..even if he has never hurt you physically, it’s scary as hell to have someone bashing things around you.

        I’m worried about you xx

      • He has hurt me before. I am scared and in my room. I can go to my mothers but she is 7 hours away. Otherwise, I have no one here. Instead of him seeing that he would still have a home he is flipping out that I don’t care about him and I am screwing him over. I have messaged my mom and hoping I can have her come get me sometime soon.

      • Grainne says:

        Okay good…I’m glad your mom can come get you and take you out of there!! Your son is going way too far already and you need to protect yourself. He likely doesn’t see this as an opportunity to start his own life out fresh and new because he’s happy with you taking care of him.

        You are not obligated to put up with abuse just because you gave birth to him. (hugs you) I’m so sorry you’re going through all this.

      • I can’t believe how scared I am……

      • Grainne says:

        I wish I could help you somehow! I don’t doubt you’re scared…you’re in a really bad situation with your son who is having a temper tantrum.

        Do you have any friends or neighbours who could come get you until your mom arrives? I’d come pick you up if I could. šŸ˜¦ I wish you could get out of there and feel safe again.

      • No, I don’t. But thank you for your support! I have doctors appointments too. I have always been trapped here at the mercy of what they do. I hide in my room as it is to avoid the nasty talk to me. They just can’t see anything they do. I have absolutely no support from anyone here! I’m tired of being scared too! I’m just staying in my room. I haven’t heard from my mom, but I have a doctors appointment soon too so I can’t go all the way down to FL and then have her bring me back for that. She is old, 71 years old…..

      • The last time a hole was kicked in the wall the cops told me that I can’t do anything about my things being destroyed…….

      • Grainne says:

        So he’s allowed to ruin your house while you’re trapped inside your bedroom, scared and alone? That’s terrible šŸ˜¦

      • Yup…. Been through it with him and my daughter many times. Any other place I live the cops would remove them, but not here. He has been worse lately too due to his diabetes and it’s effecting his mind..

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