Another appointment, another day lost…

I saw my psychiatrist today for a medication check. I have been pretty depressed for over three weeks now. This depression is much different than any I have had before and I have had depression my entire life. I want to be alone all the time, due to the fact that hearing anyone speak irritates me. I am a flat line hovering right above the deepest depression I have ever felt. Other than anger, irritation and exhaustion, I do not feel any other emotion. The only thing they did was lower my prescription for Effexor a bit. Seems like such a waste of time, stress, money I don’t have and added pain. Just going to a doctors appointment is a 48 hour issue for me. The day before my appointment, I become agitated at the fact I have to leave my house. That increases the pain as well… As I scream and cry and just can’t take anymore! I dealt with a major panic attack last night and then had trouble sleeping on top of already being unable to sleep much due to the pain. I get so much anxiety that it is hard to sleep when I know I HAVE to go somewhere the next day! I absolutely have to have a solid two hours before I am required to leave the house for anything. It takes that long for me to get moving and able to get myself dressed. I have to be driven to every thing I go to, because I don’t drive due to the pain, panic and medications. Every single bump in the road sent me screaming in so much stabbing, crushing and down right horrible pain. Then to sit and wait to be called back has all kind of anxiety and panic with it, along with the fact that sitting hurts so darn bad! I really need to bring a big fluffy pillow with me when ever I go somewhere that I have to sit! Then waking back to the office, the nurse or doctor always leaves me, because I cannot walk fast. By the time I get in the office or room I am so hot and in so much pain, plus let’s not forget the anxiety of it all too! Then I spend 15 minutes telling them the issue at hand, then I wait another 10 minutes while they go talk to the head shrink, who then comes back in the room with them and tells me that they are just going to try to lower a medication that I am on for depression. What? Another waste of time, money, pain, etc….. Then after I return home from the appointment I get to spend the rest of my day with increased agitation and anxiety, which increases the pain I already cannot take. Viscous cycle…. I have had all I can take of this constant severe pain. I see the Pain doctor next week. I just want to get to that appointment and I pray they do something to help with the level of pain I am having constantly. It seems like nothing is helping at all. It must be time to change the medications. I was able to, at the least, get a break from the sharpness of the pain after each pain medication dose, which would usually last 3 hours, but I had to wait six hours to take another dose. Now, I am not getting any relief what so ever and I am wondering how the heck I am going to make it another 7 days before I see that doctor! I wish I could just sleep until then. Sleep, where I am not in pain or anxiety or depressed!

Dealing with this chronic pain has taken so much away from me. I have increasingly become more and more disabled with less ability to function and just too much pain to handle. I need a break. I HAVE to have a break. Something needs to give me a break from this unrelenting pain. I can’t sleep much, because of the pain. The minutes go by so slowly, while you are consumed in so much pain. I am swinging from a strand at the end of my rope……..

As I scream for help
Encased in a body riddled in pain
Endless suffering…
Made even worse by the rain

As time slowly moves on
Torture consumes me
No break from the Darkness
I need to be set free

As life as I know it
Becomes so very depressing
I can no longer take it
I find myself confessing

As painful as it has become
No answers are in sight
The future looks bleak
I just don’t think I can continue to fight……

12/10/13 L.M.

A poem I just wrote to reflect what I am feeling and going through. There is NO position that is comfortable! I need a fluffy cloud to suspend me and cradle my body to ease the pain. When I can’t even escape by going to sleep, because sleep will not come when you are being tortured in pain! I hope you all are able to be pain free or, at the least, low pain today. I send out to you all my love and understanding of a life that is so very difficult to live. I am always here if anyone needs to talk. I appreciate so very much the time you all take to read my posts and the comments that you give to me. Until next time……..


3 thoughts on “Another appointment, another day lost…

  1. Grainne says:

    That sounds absolutely dreadful! I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety and I know how that can amp up pain beyond reasonable levels, even while medicated. Do you take anything for the anxiety? I have a scrip for Ativan and they do help take things down a notch. I use them when I can’t sleep because they knock me out and keep me that way for a few hours which is better than no sleep at all. 😦

    I can sympathize so much with the driving/sitting and the pain that can cause. My little car needs new shocks and although I’m still able to drive myself around, hitting bumps or pulling into driveways often causes a lot of issues for me.

    I’m really sorry things are so difficult. Here, we have telemedicine starting up for the community. It’s a system with online access…sort of like Skype, where the doc and patient can sit face to face and talk about health from the comfort of their own home. Maybe it will take off and become the norm one day …. on that note, is there no community care where you live? We have travelling nurses and docs for those who have difficulty leaving their house, like you.

    I hope you find a way to relax for the rest of the day and that your pain gets back under control very soon. *hugs*

    • Thank you so much for your comment, it really does mean so very much to me!
      I absolutely hate living here in Georgia. The people are so rude and the doctors mostly suck. I have looked into getting help to get around and it all keeps coming back to money. I am so over stressed this month. I just keep getting more and ore screwed. For instance, the back child support that my ex husband owed was finally deducted from his pay this year, being an honest person I reported it and in return got every bit of help I was getting cut off because they couldn’t get a record of it from the state of Illinois. I went without any Foodstamps that month, which is the only way I can buy food for my grandson, not worried about me! I had to get the reports and submit them, which was a major issue. Then they said they were not going to fix their mistake for that month, so too bad for me. I was then told I would no longer receive the extra help I was getting to pay my premiums and deductible for my medicare. I received $100 a week for a while, I had thought I would be able to get things we needed plus more food, but no now I have to pay more out then I was getting. Medicare decided to take the premium for the last three months out in one month, which was this month, plus I have to pay every time I go to any appointment on top of that. I have to live on $785 a month, which was only $470 this month, doesn’t even cover my mortgage! Then last week I get a letter that they will only be dude ting $40 from my ex each week for the rest he owes me, which is $700. Now right before this I had figure out how to use that money to get me by the next few months, to cover the premiums, copays and deductible, then I get that letter. This week I received $40. I have to get reports to show the change and submit them and I pray to god they give me back my extra help, because I just don’t know what to do anymore! I get $85 in Foodstamps a month for the three of us! I am beyond stressed out and I just got an email that my RXs are ready but it says no insurance and they want $300 for them. So I have to call and figure that crap out too, but it hurt so bad I just want it all to stop! They are horrible about ignoring anything I send to them too. I cannot take anymore!

      • Grainne says:

        Oh of course the damn government has to make everything harder than it needs to be!! That’s TERRIBLE, what they are doing to you! It’s not like you’re asking for something you aren’t entitled to…for crying out loud…they reduced your food stamps?!?!?

        We live in different countries but our disability support systems work in similar ways. The fact that they would take back extra help you were getting because you were honest enough to declare it just makes it feel like a slap in the face I’ll bet. :S I know of people here who work full time, have full benefits and they somehow manage to get subsidy for daycare. !!! People who don’t need the help but feel okay about lying get as much as they want and the honest people suffer.

        I have wanted, for a long time, to get into some sort of advocacy for people who are screwed over just because they can’t afford a lawyer or don’t have the energy to fight. Your case just makes me want to do that more.

        I have an autistic son I’ve had to fight for every step of the way when it comes to treatment and education. I am ill myself and have had to fight for proper treatment even though I work at the damn hospital. The world is just so messed up some days…

        I feel for you so much. My wish for you is that someone with a heart sees your struggle and reinstitutes your extra subsidy. *hugs*

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