My BPD Mind…

I am still struggling with the added pain in my feet and legs, to what I already had to deal with daily in my hips, low back, neck and tailbone. Nothing seems to touch this pain. No break or reduction can seem to be found. This must have pushed me over the edge with my Borderline Personality Disorder! I found myself balling my eyes out, but I knew it was not just from the pain. It had a deep emotional connection to it as well. Then the negative thoughts flowed in my mind so quickly. “Your family doesn’t care about you! Not one of them has responded to the emails you sent out days ago! Your mother promised to keep her computer with her on her trip and you haven’t heard from her in a week! No one cares about you! Your just a worthless burden upon their shoulders!” At this point I am becoming extremely angry. Then there is more talk going on, “if they could just spend one day feeling the pain, I feel, I bet they would look at me differently! Why is it that none of them (my siblings) have had to loose a child or have a child with a severe health disorder or gone through a fraction of what I have to go through with the pain and life events?” Now I am really upset and I send out emails to each one of them. How hard things are for me, how bad I hurt and how I don’t feel like they care. Hours later I received one response from my brother. He basically said; sorry for you, but I can’t pay my bills either and I do live you. Yes, he wrote live instead of love. I responded with a message that stated how I would of loved some emotional support and that maybe if he felt the pain I live with, then maybe he would be more emotionally available for me!

It’s been a few hours now and I am no longer angry or irate, but I realized I lost it earlier. I really lost it! I was a basket case and felt hugely sorry for myself! I am disappointed that since I live far away from my entire family, I seem to be forgotten. It would be completely different if I was there! I am in a bind and I don’t know how to get out of it. It’s one thing to not have food for myself, but I have to make sure the others have food. I have to find a way and I have no clue how I can do it. I have been sinking down a hole and the depression has been getting stronger and deeper. I do not want to get out of bed for two reasons. Emotionally I don’t feel like getting up and my pain makes it horrible to get up and move around. Yet every day I force myself to get up and get moving, even though it takes a solid two hours to just get from my room to the living room. And now, I do not know why I need to push myself anymore. The pain is getting worse, the doctors won’t listen and the depression is closing in. So, I am not going to push myself anymore. My family is not here for me even for emotional support. Though I have always been there for them! There is no point in pushing myself any longer. Maybe I just need to sleep for a few days…