I just don’t understand men…

So my Significant Other (S0) has always told me that my weight does not change how he feels about me, but I was not getting any attention when I was over a certain weight. Now that I am under that weight, he is back to not wanting me to go anywhere without him, has to know everything I do and actually pays some attention to me. His statement was always this, “You are still you no matter what you weight and I love you!” I see now that is NOT true. So superficial! 😒

When i wake in the morning I always spend about ten minutes with my thoughts. I have been waking with random songs in my head lately. So today I decided to play the song in my head on YouTube. “You keep on pushing my love over the borderline”. I had not heard or seen that video since the 80’s. So that got me thinking about how my ‘SO’ has been acting. 👿

In the beginning of our relationship, he was glued to me and was overly worried about my health and well being. That lasted for a year, then he began to be more his normal self. Which is a lying jerk actually. Turns out he lied to get me to pay attention to him while I was in one of the darkest times of my life. He manipulated me and I fell for it, because I was desperate for attention. However, every man I have ever been with does this! They shower me with attention and sex and then a year or so later it goes away. I like to have sex often, but after a year or so every man dwindles down to once a month! I asked my second husband why this occurred and he said it was because he could have sex anytime he wanted so he didn’t think about it anymore. What is with that? To me sex is the ultimate attention. I love it. I hear men complain all the time that their ‘SO’ doesn’t ever want to have sex. Yet I have the opposite problem. They always do it often for a year or so then dwindle off. I know relationships are super exciting in the beginning and I myself love that feeling, but I just wanted to get married once and stay with that person until I died so I never had to worry about a disease and could have sex when ever I wanted. Wait a minute, maybe it’s not a challenge anymore with me since I want to do it all the time. Maybe that is why they always dwindle off in the amount of sex. A year or two of sex anywhere and everywhere and they get to do anything they ever wanted to do. Hmmm, that must be it! I need to refuse sex, then I might get it more. 😈

I was married the first time at age 16, because I was pregnant. That marriage ended after 4/5 years because he was a drunk and while I was at work and he was watching our two kids, he would leave them alone asleep in our apartment and go do things like start dumpster fires or shoot out the lights in the building. He was crazy and I didn’t know it because I was young and stupid! When the officer called me at work and told me if I left my kids with him one more time they would take them away from me, I kicked him out and filed for divorce. 😡
Marriage two, I was with him for five years and a kid later before I would even marry him. He kept bugging me to get married so I did after five years! We were together for a total of 16 years and he decided doing drugs and screwing women at work was what he wanted. So, when he came to get some of his stuff after not coming home for several days, I kicked him out and filed for divorce! He was also a drunk! 😪
I insisted I would not even date another alcoholic and I didn’t. But that is when the much younger lying man entered my life. He is not a drunk, nope. After a year of him being everything I always wanted he decided he wanted to get married and we did, then it all went down hill! It was like he took the list of all I wanted in a man and made himself be that for a year. Once he married me he stopped being that man, because it wasn’t the real him. I am done with men, I am staying married until I die no matter what and that is it!😔

Sorry for my random thoughts on things. I always start at point A and then randomly go off the chart to other points. My thoughts come so fast that it’s like a winding roller coaster! The point is I have been married three times and have been with a few men, yet I still just don’t understand how men think at all. Or should I say don’t think…lol! I know women are needy and attention loving people, but I know men like the attention as well, so you would think it would work out well. One thing is for sure, I do NOT need a keeper. I am 44 years old and I can take care of myself. If you cannot be there for me fully in my darkest hour, then you should not be there reaping the rewards of me in my brightest! But, I do not want to ever deal with another man or have to date or risk getting a disease, so this is it for me! I have been around the block too many times and I have now realized the block is always the same, so why go around that block yet another time! Nope, not for me! I just have to learn to accept it all as it is and find a way to be alright with it! 😏

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