Here we go again, on the Panic train…

Here I am, in the midst of a round of Panic and Anxiety and excessive Worry! I just can’t seem to completely stay away from it. Something always has to kick it into overdrive. How can I be so smart yet so frail and crazy! I don’t know anyone personally who has the severe Panic attacks like I do, but I have seen others who come close online. I know I feel like I must be one of the craziest people alive though.

Over all these years I learned that I could not get any control of my Panic and Anxiety by living with time in my life. How do you not live with time in your life? Well, you have to not look at the time and not be effected by time. It took a few years, but I found a way to make it work for the most part. Instead of freaking out for days or even weeks before an appointment, I now just freak out for the 24 hour period before the appointment. When I schedule an appointment, I put it in my calendar and I forget about it. I then, on Sundays, review what the coming week has in store for me. I note what day of that week I have an appointment. I am able to not really think about it, until the day before the appointment. That’s when I have to plan for it and get things ready for it. Then I am consumed in worry, fear, panic and anxiety. It’s a lot better than spending days or even every single day of my life in that state. So in the 24 hours before my appointment I begin to get agitated! Then I notice my mind will be racing over all sorts of things. From having to be around people I don’t know, to possibly having to wait to long and sitting, which hurts so bad due to my tailbone and hips being in chronic never ending pain. I get sweaty hands, racing heart, my teeth clench, my face gets tight, my lips go numb, then my extremities go numb and so on. I know I am worrying about things I do not need to worry about and I tell myself over and over again that it is not worth all this and to just stop it, but I can’t. My mind will not stop! I will not be able to sleep that night unless I take double my sleeping meds and even then I will sleep a couple of hours. Of course, all of that causes my pain to sky rocket, like it wasn’t already horrible enough!

This will happen to me not just for appointments where I have to go somewhere, but also if someone is scheduled to come to my house that I do not know. Which is why I am freaking out severely tonight. A man is scheduled to come here in the morning. My pain is horrible in the morning. I can barely stand to move the six feet I have to move when I get up just to take my meds. I don’t know this person and talking to him on the phone sent off an alarm in my head. The alarm says something isn’t right. From past experiences I know I need to follow my gut instinct. My gut is now screaming or it’s my head, because now I am not sure if it is my gut instinct or my Panic disorder. It’s yelling, ” NO, Cancel! It is not needed! You do not have to do it so don’t do it!” Now I cannot stop the roller coaster of pure hell my mind is dishing out to me. I CANNOT keep this appointment. I HAVE to cancel! It will not stop until I cancel the appointment. Even then, it will not completely go away until I sleep, when ever I can find sleep again! So, now I definitely must cancel the appointment. Because I won’t make it if I don’t. I will be in the ER with my body rock hard and retracted, yet paralyzed! So, how do I cancel the appointment? Do I call and be honest? How do I do that? Hello, I have to cancel our appointment tomorrow because I have severe panic disorder and I am freaking out so badly that I just cannot keep the appointment. Yeah right! I can’t even make the call. I am so freaked out, I cannot do it! Which is why I feel completely worthless right now. Physically and emotionally… What a life!

Right now, I feel sick to my stomach, I have a pounding headache, my body is tense so my pain is even worse than it normally is which is a 7/8 every day of my life, but now it is off the chart. I am taking in deep slow breaths. I am telling myself to relax. My hands are shaking and sweating, my heart is racing! I feel my lips tingling and my arms going numb. I have taken my anxiety medication, but it takes a good hour for it to work. It works longer than what I was on all the other years, but takes so darn long to work. Because where I live now will not prescribe the medication I was on for years, that works fast. I am in complete silence and secluded from the others. I want to go to bed because the pain and the panic is just to much for me. But I have to get that appointment cancelled.

You know all the years that I had the panic, anxiety and depression without this chronic pain was hard enough. Now I have the pain from hell on top of the messed up mental crap. I have spent six months at a time not able to leave my home because of the panic disorder. From 1995 – 2001 every other year like clock work I would be trapped in my home, unable to leave and felt sick like I had the flu 24/7 for six month each time. Then 2001 I still had the panic come for six months, but I was able to walk outside and be in a comfortable distance from my home. When it all began in 1995 I couldn’t even handle being home alone. I had to have someone else with me. Crazy! So now, 18 years later, I still have severe attacks of Panic and some Agoraphobia issues. I rarely leave my house. Although now, I can go to the store once a month and not freak out so bad as soon as I walk into the store. I don’t drive! I take my medications regularly and I go to the store when I HAVE to while my medication is in full effect keeping me calm. I have to say, it has been a while since I have freaked out this bad. Because I don’t go anywhere and I am on meds and I live basically without time and keep to myself, while doing all I can to occupy my mind! What a fragile line my mind has. The line between comfort and relaxation to the other side where fear, worry, terror and panic live.

Just when I thought I had an alright handle on the Panic Disorder, it attacks out of no where and slams me to the ground while laughing at me!