It is 2:09 am… I woke covered in sweat. I have the window A/C running on top of the house A/C and it is cold in my room. So, how does this happen? This is now the third time this has occurred since my surgery. Once was last week and the last two have been the last two nights. They always happen at night, not just while I am taking a three hour nap. I am assuming it must be ‘Night Sweats’ which is part of menopause. If any of you have this occur and are in menopause, please share with me ways you have made it easier on yourself, if that is even possible. After all, I did have everything removed, so I no longer have ovaries to make female hormones for me.
It seems like every other day I have horrible unbearable pain. Then the days in between it is more tolerable. What is up with that? Yesterday was a horrible and unbearable pain day, as was two days prior to that. Tuesday night I woke all night long with gut wrenching pain and the entire day, when ever I stood up or sat down it hurt as if I was having a part of my abdomen ripped from me. By night time I was extremely drained and even said to God, “Why don’t you just kill me already and stop this torture” I don’t understand why I am not doing better by now. I took it easy and I have slept a lot, I drink tons of fluids, though I am finding it difficult to eat and I have to force food down my throat just to get up to 1200 calories that my APP says I have to have in order to not be in starvation mode. There are calories in everything I drink too.
My neighbor brought me a container of blueberries and said they help her have a BM. Yup, I still have not had a BM. I can’t help but wonder if that is part of the reason I am in so much pain. As I laid in bed last night, my entire mid section ached and felt so raw and painful. I thought to myself, “yup, this is some serious pain!” I have spent the entire week taking my pain medication on schedule. To get the best benefit I can from them. I have found that for a couple of hours in the after noon I catch a small break from the intensity of the pain. From my surgery all the way through Monday I slept almost non-stop. I could not stay awake for anything. The last couple of days I have been able to stay awake much more often. I would rather sleep, since then I am not suffering non-stop.
So many people who have had a hysterectomy say how great they feel after the first week. My major pain is in two areas in my gut. One being extremely intense and the other medium intensity. I have had these pains since I woke from surgery. Why the hell do I still have them? Why are they not getting better? Why do they feel just as intense as day one? Is it because I was left in so much pain in recovery that I had a full blown panic attack, which wrenched every muscle in my abdomen and caused bleeding through out my abdomen that turned black with in one day? Did I tear something in these two places and it is going to be horrible for me for how ever long it takes a torn muscle to repair? My surgeons only comment on it was that nothing he did caused that. Let’s see, who ever was responsible for what pain medication I got in recover is who did it to me then. Control the pain and give me my daily doses of Ativan through out the day to prevent a panic attack. It is so simple, yet it was not done! Now I get to cart around a very swollen black and purple tummy for god knows how long, on top of intense pain from what ever happened in there to cause all the bleeding. I am more than frustrated. I kept telling myself to make it through the first week and everything would be better.
I still need to write letters to a few people about my treatment there and to make matters worse, I was served with debt collection letters right after I was home from the hospital. I have to write a letter to the court stating that it was all debt incurred while I was married to hubby #2 and how they need to go after him for the money, even though I had done this multiple times with the company it’s self. I live on social security disability of $797 a month. You cannot get blood out of a turnip! It takes almost the entire deposit just to pay the mortgage! These things weigh on my mind until I get them done, so I really need to sit down tomorrow and write out the statements and get them mailed off!
I’m just so very frustrated and I need to wake up and not have the intensity of the pain that I have had since day one. I need something to show me that I am improving! Not the same crap day after day that screams, “You are going to suffer until you die”. I see my surgeon for my post-op appointment next Tuesday morning. He has a horrible bedside manner, so it will be short and harsh. I will get the results of pathology and basically that will be it. He may check my incisions inside my vaginal wall from where he removed my cervix and uterus and then had to stitch it all closed, it’s called a vaginal cuff. Straight and to the point with him. If it all looks good on paper then there is absolutely nothing wrong with me………….