How to be Happy…

I often ask myself, “How can I be Happy?” Or “What can I do to feel happy?” I have searched the internet on numerous occasions for the answers to this question. I have read dozens upon dozens of articles. Most of which are so broad that I have trouble relating them to myself.

At the following website I found the best list for how to be Happy:

1. Keep going. Don’t let life’s changes throw you off track, but remember that most extenuating circumstances are temporary. Gain more clarity by staying the course and channeling your energy in a positive direction.

2. Trust yourself. Believe in your inner resources, no matter what, and you’ll grow from the experience. I believe that the answers usually lie within and you are probably smart enough to figure out what you need to do. Give yourself a little time and have patience.

3. Be friends with life. Remember that the world is not out to get you and it does not punish you. You do that to yourself. Learning to focus on other opportunities or in another direction can give you some perspective.

4. Watch your thoughts. Your thinking will never be 100 percent positive. You must learn to dismiss the negative thoughts and stay open to other ideas that will help you move in a positive direction. Start recognizing negative thoughts and use your mind to quell them.

5. Summon the strength you have inside. Learn to access and direct your strengths to the highest good for all concerned. Believe that your strength and intelligence can help you deal with anything. Remember that you have survived worse.

6. Learn to love yourself. You do not have to be who you are today, and your life is not scripted. Changing how you feel about yourself means creating a strategy, gathering some new tools, and making yourself into the person you want to be. A good way to start is to stop doing things that hurt.

7. Don’t want too much. Desire can be a powerful motivating tool, but wanting something too much can be very painful and very expensive, so don’t live beyond your means or covet the unattainable. Seek your desire, but keep your integrity.

8. Don’t get insulted. It is wise to be dispassionate about critical comments. Human’s will always bump heads, but consider the source, and if it’s the other person’s issue, ignore it. Learn to respond instead of react, and don’t show your ire.

9. Recognize that disappointment is part of life. Even the most successful people have to deal with disappointment, but they’ve learned how to use it to get to the next level of life. The trick is to process your feelings, then take some kind of action.

10. Deal with your fears. Overcoming fear makes you stronger, and being a little scared can make you better. You want to have butterflies; you just want them flying in formation. It helps to understand and admit your fears. Then you can kick them to the curb.

Feel good about yourself, no matter what life brings. Know that each time you wake up, you have another chance to make things better. Don’t waste it.

Dealing with mental illness alone makes it very difficult to feel happy or even good on most occasions. I often have to search for things to remind myself what I do have in my life, instead of dwelling on all the bad things. I hope this list can help someone else in there own fight to discover happiness………….

GYN Oncologist…

I saw the GYN Oncologist today. He drew blood to test for the CA 125 – tumor markers and scheduled me for another ultrasound on May 15th. He also did a PAP smear and pelvic exam. I go back to him on may 22nd. If the blood work is negative and the growths are not bigger then we will schedule surgery with a robotic arm to remove the left ovary. If the blood test is positive or the growths have grown, or both, we will schedule surgery for a full hysterectomy.

The tooth on the bottom of my mouth that has been throbbing is causing me a bad headache and still hurts when I eat anything cold, hot or something I have to chew. I get the broken tooth on the top left fixed on Tuesday and I think I may have an infection on the lower right tooth so I will be asking if I need antibiotics. No clue when I will be able to get the bad tooth pulled.

I still have way too much pain in my low back, left hip, left abdomen area and the new pain in my vaginal area that feels like a hot poker. Joy! While at the doctors office I did have a low grade fever. That is what makes me think I probably have an infection in the tooth. I just hope it all stays fairly calm until I see the dentist on Tuesday. I feel like I am under the weather or getting sick. Just plain crappy feeling through my body.

Nothing like waiting yet another month. I am praying I don’t have even more pain or the pain spread to somewhere else in the mean time. I have considered calling my pain doctor for an increase in meds, but he gets so pissy about it that I just don’t want to deal with it. I see him again on the 8th of May so I am trying to just make it until then. I guess I should go ahead and climb in bed and try to get some rest. I got a Fitbit Flex wrist band and it tracks your movement and sleep. I have found that around the same time twice a night I have several minutes of wrestling around and waking up. It is pretty interesting to see how much I move and be able to track the foods I eat all in one place. Other than that I have been pretty obsessed with playing the Sims Free Play on my IPad………….

Frustration, On Edge…

One of the things that sometimes occurs with my BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, is that I go through time where I feel so alone and I get very down. During times like this I tend to order things online. I guess I am trying to find a way to make myself feel better. Unfortunately, I don’t have the funds to really pay for these things. It causes more problems for me.

Lately, I have been stressed out on how to get things I need. I no longer received any child support and that was how I would pick up things as they were needed. The money I do get once a month is gone the day I get it on the mortgage and the two bills I have to pay on. I have NO support system at all here. I try to talk to “B” and he will never listen to me or really engage with me in any conversation. My son and daughter cause a ton of drama and they rarely ever talk with me. My daughter actually spends most of the day screaming and acting psychotic. I am feeling so very alone and abandoned!

I just tried to talk to “B” about the issues I have with feeling stressed over getting things that are needed and my problem of buying things when I feel so trapped in this BPD cloud. He just snapped at me and he says hurtful things. He complained that he had to purchase the mattress for my grandsons bed and I had ordered a fitbit band in one of my BPD moments. I understand his frustration with me, but I did well and the entire year last year I did not buy a single thing. If only he was supportive and helpful instead of every interaction being negative!

My daughter woke at 8am and screamed, cussed and was psychotic until about a half an hour ago. I told her she needed to calm down and she just jumped all over me. She was pissed do off at first because she couldn’t find the remote to the TV and she was screaming at me about it. I found the remote under the chair. She just couldn’t get up off the couch and look herself! Hearing her screaming causes me to tense up and that increases my pain. I have been extremely irritable lately from so much negativity and I feel like I am going to just snap.

I am always alone and usually hiding in my room to avoid being screamed at. My grandson, who is four years old, was upset when he was sent to his room by his mother and took a puzzle piece and his hand and smashed the glass in his bedroom window. The poor kid has some serious anger issues and I had spent a year working on it with him, he was doing better, then his mother came back and it all went out the window!

I am finding myself crying and feeling just so darn alone. I have to take my daughter to the store so she can use a gift card to buy sheets for my grandsons bed. They will be getting a bunk bed set delivered tomorrow. It is twin on top and full on the bottom and will help clear up the small room the two of them are in right now together. My daughters full mattress is on the floor and my grandson is sleeping in a toddler bed and there is no room for him to play in there and I cannot even get to the window in that room. I want to go to the store and get it over with, but she is so horrible to be around.

I know how important it is to have someone that you can talk to and share your feelings with. I have absolutely no one here! I see the GYN oncologist tomorrow morning. I am expecting that he will be scheduling a biopsy of the growths on my ovaries. The left one being very large and pushing my uterus to the right. I have had horrible pain for more than two weeks now that I cannot seem to catch a break from. It has been spreading and increasing over the last three years and we just accidentally found these growths. I do worry about it being cancer, as I do fit all the symptoms of that. I just wish I had someone I could really talk to about it all. If I talk about how bad I hurt, “B” tells me he doesn’t want to hear it.

I am having a melt down… I feel I am loosing my mind and as if there is nothing left to hold on to anymore………….

Liebster Award…

I have been nominated again for the Liebster Award!!! πŸ˜„

The Official Rules Of The Liebster Award:
If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:

1. thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. display the award on your blog β€” by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a β€œwidget” or a β€œgadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)

3. answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)

6. create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. list these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:

8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)


I was nominated by:
Thank you so very much! I have enjoyed reading your blog posts for some time now and you are such a carry individual, that I am very grateful for having met in my life! 😘

My 11 Questions and my Answers:

1. If you had one last blog to write, what would be the subject and why?

If it was my last blog then I must by dying the next day, so I would write about my reflection of my own life. Why it is so important to think positive and to also let people you love know how you feel regularly! Life is so short… πŸ˜‡

2. What is the most rewarding thing you have ever accomplished?

Having some of my poetry published! 😺

3. Do you think that dreams have meanings?

Definitely! Sometimes we dream about things to come and sometimes our dreams help us deal with things going on in our lives or emotions. Everything has meaning! πŸ’€

4. If you had the funds, would you move to another country right now? If so, where?

Yes! I would get out of the USA for many reasons. I don’t like where this government is headed and the cost to survive alone is impossible anymore. 😳 I would love to go to Australia, though I am not to thrilled about all the poisonous creatures there, I do love to hear them talk! πŸ˜‰

5. Do you generally blog on a tablet, computer, laptop…?

I use my IPad. Which I use for everything. It is the one thing I have ever bought myself that has been awesome! 😎

6. What do you love the most about your best friend?

She is sweet and always there for me! 😸

7. How do you handle difficult life changes?

It’s rough! The biggest and hardest change for me was when my son passed away in 2003! 😰 I put myself in counseling immediately, because I knew I was going to need all the help I could find! Most importantly, know it is ok to feel bad and allow yourself to go through all the emotions as they arise…

8. What is your favorite color?

πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œPURPLE, I AM OBSESSED WITH PURPLE! πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

9. When you write, do you write the same way you speak?

Sometimes! Usually I write in a way to be informative…☺️

10. If you could meet one famous individual,who would it be, and why?

GOD! No explanation needed! πŸ‘£

11. For you as an individual, how important are stats on WordPress?

They are nice, but I do not dwell on them or even look at them very often. Doing that can create negativity and more depression. Keep it in the positive at all possible times! πŸ’‹

11 Random Facts About Myself:

1. I wear a size 11/12 in woman’s shoes and I have worn this size since age ten! πŸ‘ 

2. I have been married three times! πŸ’

3. I am currently obsessed with playing The Sims Free Play on my iPad! πŸ‘Έ

4. I suffer from chronic pain and I have for over three years now! πŸ”₯

5. I lost my oldest child when he was 16 years old in 2003. He was in a car accident with two friends and one of those friends also died! πŸ˜“πŸ˜ͺ😭

6. I have major depression and it affects me quite often, along with Panic Disorder and Anxiety Disorder! 😱

7. I have one grandchild and he is 4 years old, he was named after my son that died. 😍

8. I smoke cigarettes and have since I was 14 years old! 😀

9. My favorite thing to drink is coca~cola! πŸ’˜

10. I was married the first time at age 16, because I was pregnant! 😧

11. Sometimes I dye my hair purple, I am obsessed with the color purple! 😈 πŸ’œ

Here are my 11 Nominations for the Liebster Award, in no particular order:

Therese’s Blog

No one gets flowers for chronic pain’s Blog

Sunlight in the kitchen’s Blog

My drops of jupiter’s Blog

This great ape’s Blog

Myositis Daily Pain’s Blog

Bluefiadiarries Blog

Elisa Corsetto’s Blog, The mind of a Lost Soul

Vines in my Mind’s blog

Girl uninterrupted’s Blog

Mental Healthiness’s Blog

Here are the 11 Questions for my Nominees to answer:

1. What is the hardest thing you have had to live through?

2. What made you start writing a Blog?

3. What is one thing you hope to achieve by writing your blog?

4. Did you know that writing in a journal is also very helpful? If so, do you do this regularly?

5. Do you take a few minutes each day to relax or pamper yourself? If so, what do you do?

6. What do you want to achieve that you have not achieved yet?

7. Who is the most important person in your life and why?

8. What have you found to be helpful in your life?

9. What is your favorite pass time? (i.e.: crafts, writing, games, internet)

10. What positive Affirmations do you use regularly?

11. If you were given $1,000,000 tax free, what would you do with that money? (What are the top things you would do)

Again, thank you so much for the nomination! I hope that all of my nominees will take the time to participate in this Liebster Award as well!


Catch Your Thoughts….

For the next 24 hours, pay attention to your thoughts and when you have a negative thought, turn those negative thoughts around and speak out loud something positive instead. Catch yourself before you say anything negative out loud. If your feeling pissed off over something, then say out loud a list of positive affirmations. Just commit to trying it for the next 24 hours.

Sometimes we slip and revert back to negative thoughts, but being mindful of what we are thinking can and will lift your mood and create much happier days. What is being mindful? It is focusing on the here and now. What we are doing and thinking right now. Being in the present moment. Not the past or the future. There really only is the here and now. The past is over and cannot be changed. The future has not occurred yet. Being mindful creates a much happier future.

Cutting the people out of your life that bring negativity and sadness is by far an important first step. We need to be surrounded by happy people so we can be supported in a positive way. Sometimes we cannot cut every single negative person out of our lives, but we can change how we let them affect us and our thoughts. It is much easier to feel good when you are surrounded by positive people. In the end though, we are in control of our own thoughts and action regardless of how others act. I trimmed my friends list down to two close friends and just a couple of people I know and occasionally speak with. Friends can help lift your mood and they can also be a damper on our moods.

Next, you need to give yourself a few moments a day where you can sit quietly with nature and just be in that present moment. I sit on my back porch either early morning or late at night and I listen to the sounds of nature. I identify every sound I hear. Doing this brings you into the present moment. I focus on my breathing, making sure my tummy rises and falls with each breath. Counting to five as I breath in slowly and then counting to five as I exhale slowly. This is rhythmic breathing. Doing this also places you in the present moment. Clearing your mind of any thoughts as they pop up and just focusing on the breath and the sounds you hear. Doing this is so important! It is more important than anything else, so make the time to do this daily, even if it is just ten minutes.

Our minds are very powerful! The thoughts we allow shape our days and our moods. In the beginning you have to fake it until you make it. Catch those thoughts that are negative and change then to positive ones or affirmations that you speak out loud. We have the power to create anything we so desire. All you have to do is be mindful and focus your thoughts. The number one thing people say they want is to be happy. So, every single day, say out loud, “I AM HAPPY!” Look in the mirror and smile at yourself! No matter your life’s situation, you have the power to feel happiness. All you have to do is choose it.


Today I am refocusing and getting myself out of the darkness! I was lost in there and I need to bring myself out of it. When everything in life seems to be bad, we need to focus on the things that are stable. Like, I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. When we are in your darkest moments, there is always something that shines with light.

Struggling with so much pain is exhausting. We have to focus our attention away from that pain any way possible. That is where keeping the mind busy is so important. An idle mind focuses on the pain, but a mind with things to focus on allows you to escape momentarily from the pain. These moments are crucial to surviving with chronic pain. I call it catching a break.

There are little games that are made for exercising your brain. These are helpful when you are trying to bring your attention away from the pain. Just a few minutes a day using these mind builders is said to build your mind, like exercise. They also offer you moments of escape, because your attention is focused on the game with a time limit. We need as many of these little distractions as possible in order to get through each day.

I have also found that if I sit down with one of my dragon statues to dust, I can get caught up in trying to get the dirt out of each nook and cranny. The key is giving your mind something to focus on that is away from the pain. When we sit there and allow out mind to focus on the pain, it amplifies. We then find ourselves in a very dark place. It is difficult to get out of that dark place once you are in there.

Yes, it completely sucks when you are having to live life in so much pain. The only way to survive a life like that is to find things to focus your attention on. A friend of mine messaged me this morning and said she was going to Charleston on the 25th to see her ill grand baby in the hospital and wanted me to ride with her. I jumped on that offer. A change of scenery and going somewhere I have never been before. Now I have something to look forward to and I found myself smiling the biggest smile I have had in a long time.

If you do one thing today, make it something that will focus your mind and attention away from your pain! Draw, play a game, color, crafts, watch a movie or clean. Just do something instead of allowing your mind to swim in the darkness of pain and suffering………….

Feeling Lost…

Well, I called to see if I could get in with the new dentist that I have to see in order for my insurance to pay for it and the soonest appointment they have is May 19th. Really!?! I told her I would have to call her back. The dentist I used to see when I had money would of got me in today. I do not want to go to a different dentist, but I have no money. I really don’t know what to do about it, so I guess I will call back tomorrow and make the appointment for the 19th. I have had a bad tooth on the right and was unable to see a dentist for it. It has been bad for over a year and I can’t eat on that side, now I can’t eat on the left side either. I did find I can chew on the right as long as it is very soft food. So I ate some macaroni and cheese this evening. That’s all I will be eating for today. I had hoped my parents would help me out by paying for me to go to my normal dentist to get the broken tooth fixed, but I guess that isn’t happening. I am done begging for help!

I am still having horrible pain in my back, on top of my already barely tolerable pain! That brings irritability and mood swings, when the pain is too much to handle. Joy! I feel so overwhelmed and lost in the sea of darkness. Too much of everything negative going on!

One positive thing though… “B” picked up two new windows for my bedroom and he took out one of the old ones today and put one of the new ones in. It took several hours, mostly because it was difficult to get the old window out. That window was so bad I could feel the outside air on me if I stood near it. I can’t wait for the other one to be installed. It is amazing how just the one window has made a huge difference in the temperature and noise in my room. Unfortunately, while installing the new window, “B” ended up having to grid the brick down to fit the new one in. He hung a sheet, but my room was flooded in red dust. I spent the entire day trying to clean it all up. With my pain and not being able to move a whole lot, it’s been a nightmare. Wouldn’t you know it, not a single person tried to help me. This is why I feel so darn alone all the time. I used a Swiffer duster I had and wiped from ceiling to floor and then slowly worked my way around the room sitting and scooting with a wet rag and finally I just vacuumed the floor by sitting on my bed and pushing the vacuum as far as I could reach. “B” is going to get himself a truck, even though there isn’t much food in this house and we eat around two dinners a week here. He doesn’t care. I am lucky that he got the windows for my bedroom. He only cares about himself. He will complain all the time that he doesn’t have money or gas in the van, but he is going to go get a truck… He has a van for his use at all times. I don’t drive. I just don’t understand it. I told him it sure would be nice to at the least be able to eat one meal a day, but he won’t budge. He pays his bills and does what ever he wants. Not one thought towards me or what might make my life a little better. How about paying for me to go to the dentist and fix the broken tooth? He doesn’t have to live with constant horrible pain. He can eat whatever he wants. He doesn’t have the cancer word shadowing him. Yup, I am feeling extremely sorry for myself.

It is storming out right now. The rain is coming down hard and the thunder/lightning is super close and loud. Just another thing that amplifies my pain levels. I am going to take a sponge bath, since I can’t hold my arms over my head, and then lay down in bed and watch Netflix until I can fall asleep.

If you have people that are supportive of you, then you are so very lucky! If you have someone that caresses your skin or will try to massage you to help with your pain, then you are extremely lucky! If you live in a home where you do not have to hear screaming all day long and constant negativity, thenI wish I could trade places with you. If just one area of my life could just be good! Instead of flat broke, barley any food, constant pain and always alone with no one that is supportive or caring towards me………….