A Morbid Dream…

The estrogen seems to have helped a lot with the depression. So far, I have not had the horrible depression hit at night since day two of taking it. I also have not had any hot flashes! Major plus. I am swollen and feel fat though…

So, I am suddenly having dreams and remembering them. Last night it was pretty morbid, yet so satisfying! See on Wednesday this week, my ex decided to torture me by texting me a pic of him and the girl at work that I found message from him about her to his buddy at work. The whole cheating thing and reason why we are not together anymore. That’s really messed up and shitty. And the girl joined in with him and said some shitty crap to me too. It was like I was being tortured. Wow! Why I always am nice even when they treat me like shit, I don’t know, but that hurt me so much something snapped in me….
The dream: a friend of mine, which is a big dude, flagged down my ex as he drove down the road. When my Ex got out, my friend knocked him out. He then tied him up, taped his eyes and gagged his mouth. I came out of hiding and drove his precious truck with him in the back tied up, to a dark and lonely place. There was a shed of sorts there and no one for miles. My friend placed my ex onto a hook where he dangled down from and then restrained his tied legs to the floor. That way he couldn’t kick at me. I never spoke, so he never knew I was even there. My friend went off to do the same to the girl from my exes work, We will call her “J”. While he was gone, I carved into my ex very deeply, DISEASE, right above his penis! My friend arrived back with “J” unconscious. He helped me hold her body up while I took her hands and clawed all over my exes body as deep as possible. Then we tied her down to the floor, she was also gagged and had her eyes covered. I proceeded to take a clay carving utensil and remove more chunks of skin from my ex, then placed it deep into her fingernails. I took hair from my ex and placed it all over her. I scratched up the inside of her vagina and took the blood and cells from her, then placed it all over my exes penis. I continued in this manner for sometime. I was making it look like he raped her and she was going to believe he did too. Then she would call the police and tell her boyfriend. Her boyfriend would beat the hell out of my ex as well. Twice we had to use some kind of liquid to knock them back out. Then my friend and I went outside and worked on tearing up the precious truck. Smashed out the expensive lights he installed. Ripped up the bed cover. Scrapped up the expensive paint job. Then I drove it into a few trees. We opened both doors and left the lights on, as if he had stopped and jumped out after her. The battery ran dead after an hour and we put a few screws in some of the tires. We returned to the building where they both were still unconscious. I took the gag off my exes mouth so when he woke he would yell and speak and “J” would hear his voice when she woke too. It wasn’t long before he came to and was screaming and yelling out cuss words. Every time he yelled a cuss word, my friend would kick “J” in her side. She woke to this. She heard his cussing and felt the kick slam into her. After a few minutes we knocked my ex back out. “J” was trying to struggle and she was sobbing. I gave the nod and my friend knocked her out one last time. We then placed my exes body on top of her body, both naked, with her clothes ripped off of her and shreds of them in his nails as well as her skin and blood too. We untied my ex completely, gave them both an extra dose of the knock out juice and we left. The next day there were reports all over the news channels of the abduction, Attack and rape on “J” by my ex. His mug shot big on the TV screen. He some how was able to bond out and when he did, “J’s” boyfriend tracked him down and beat the crap out of him. He tried to run to the police, but they turned their heads and ignored the violence, thinking he truly deserved it anyway. His day in court arrived and he plead innocent that he too was abducted, beaten and framed. No one believed him. There were even a few people that swore under oath how they saw him driving that night in his truck with “J” inside. I was in the court room, all the way in the back. He did not notice me until he stood for sentencing and was turned to be cuffed and removed. His eyes locked onto mine and the biggest smile was upon my face. I lipped the word, K A R M A! He began to cuss and accuse me, the officers handling him ended up beating him down just to get him out of the court room. My dream continued on for a bit longer. The feeling of justice I felt and knowing he was going to spend the rest of his life in prison. Like I was finally free and could have a happy life. It flashed before me in pictures, my family and I all so very happy. I actually woke up with a feeling of warmth and happiness inside of me. How morbid is that?

I did nothing wrong in the marriage, he was a horrible person and I was still nice and did the right thing even after we split up, then when he did that torturous crap to me on Wednesday and I spent hours sobbing, I snapped. I finally decided I did not have to be nice to him anymore. He called me over and over the next day. When I finally answered he demanded for me to meet him down town and he suddenly had the funds to pay for the divorce that I had said I would agree to the term of not going after him for alimony, etc. but now, I am not doing that. He can kiss my ass. I told him to go ahead and file and I would show up to the court date, he freaked out saying I had better agree to everything like I said. I told him how I am really sick and I am. I never told him I wouldn’t agree to the terms. I hung up and he called over and over again. I finally answered and he said the clerks office was closed and would be open on Monday and that I needed to go with him on Monday and sign then. I said ok, but I am not doing this. He can file and on the court date I will go and tell my peace of it all including the torture he chose to do. Maybe the judge will be nice and award me alimony. I deserve that much. He is a adulterer and abandoned his wife who is disabled. If he refuses to file unless I am with him, I will have to find out if there is anyway I can get help to file. It costs $250 in court fees to file yourself and I don’t have that. All I had wanted was for him to file and we agree and be done with it. Then he chose to that crap to me. And the kicker is the three days prior to that he came to my house and tried to kiss me everytime! My mom said he is an asshole and I need to go after him in any way I can. I completely agree now!

Here is my recent photo… November 2014

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WOW, Emotional Hell…

I have been dealing with some major depression lately. Two months of feelings of abandonment then I also feel glad to be alone too. The biggest thing for me to deal with, is financial!

I started on a low dose estrogen last night. Since the surgeries took everything out of me, we are hoping the major deep depression is due to no more hormones. Only time will tell. Every single day, when the sun starts to go down, I become severely depressed. Not one day have I not had to deal with this. I also get crazy full body hot flashes through out the day, they do not seem to last very long but they are getting more and more common.

My Ex is still trying to get me to have sex with him. Why? I don’t get it! He has begun to receive his karma. Someone slammed into the back bumper of his precious truck while it was parked in a parking lot and he broke his toe. This is just the beginning. He expects me to type up his letter for him to the IRS. I am such a nice and loving person that I agree to things before I even realize it. So now he will be back by today. He stopped by yesterday and asked me for a kiss. Really!?! Every single person asks me why the hell I was ever with him. He is unattractive and a jerk and no one likes him. I guess I was supposed to teach him things, that’s all I can come up with. There is also the fact that he came along right when I had planned to end my life, so maybe it was to keep me alive. That was 8 years ago and I had the where, when and how all set! I could of used not to have the pain and torture of the 7 years we were married though!

It seems if I were the type of person that could just have casual sex, I could do that on a daily basis, but that is NOT me! Casual sex sucks. I always have to spend time teaching the guy I am with how to do it right! Plus sex without a connection is worthless to me. I feel more confident since I have so many guys tell me I am beautiful, but I still just want that one man that makes me his entire world and never stops. I deserve that and I will find that! It does get disappointing when you find out that everyone seems to only care about sex even when they are in their 50’s! I want the soul connection…

I have been talking to a guy that lives a long way away from me, but I feel a connection with him. I feel like, if we were to meet in person my soul would be over joyed! He is open and communicates well. That being the one thing that I have never been able to find in a man! I am beginning to think he may be the one I have searched for my entire life. So, until the day we meet, I will enjoy our little conversations.

Every night, when the sun begins to set, I feel so badly that I just want to go to bed, because when I wake in the morning, I feel pretty good. Then I repeat this every single day of this dreaded life………….

Depression finds me yet again….

My spouse has been gone well over a month now. I felt happy and relieved of all the negativity he brought into the home. But, now I have been fighting with some serious depression the last few days. I know this happens to me sometimes, but it has been extremely difficult to want to be alive!

All I ever wanted was to be married to one man and be with that man until I died. I didn’t ask for men that lied and cheated, then left! I never deserved any of it! I hate trying to find someone that seems to fit with me. Just a boyfriend to see once a week even would be nice, for the intimate touching and togetherness. I seem to have men that just want to have sex or men that are liars and fakes or men I am not attracted to at all. It seems to me that all men must be liars and cheaters. I have never known a man that wasn’t one. My father even was. I want to find my best friend, that I can talk to about anything. Someone that doesn’t feel the need to drink all the time or lie constantly. And one who has enough energy to go out and do things.

I have an ultrasound this Thursday and next Wednesday I am supposed to get the stent removed from my ureter. I’m also having full body hot flashes several times a day now. Maybe I need to be on hormones.

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Automatic Dishwasher Detergent Recipe…

I have been making my own automatic dishwasher detergent for sometime now. I have decided to share the recipe with you all…

2 C. Borax
2 C. Super Washing Soda
6 Tablespoons Citric Acid
25-30 drops of Grapefruit or Lemon Essential Oil (I use both)

Place all dry ingredients in a sealable container, Mix very well!
Add the essential oils to the mixture and mix very well.
Be sure to get all lumps out of the mixture, seal and use exactly as you would powdered store bought dishwasher detergent!

I have a Tablespoon Scoop in the container and that will fill up the soap dispenser. I also add a little to the open compartment to work on any tough stuck on foods. This works very well as long as you fill your rinse aid compartment with white vinegar or pour a bit of white vinegar into the dishwasher before you start it. If you do not use the white vinegar, you can end up with spots on your glasses. Using the white vinegar gets your dishes sparkling clean.

This is very cost effective and easy to make. I have a total of five people in my house and sometimes more when my son has friends over. I run the dishwasher every day and a batch of this makes it a month!

I purchase the Borax and Super Washing Soda at Walmart on the isle with the fabric softeners, etc. the cost is right at $4 each per box and a box of each makes about four batches. The citric acid I ordered online a long time ago and I cannot remember the cost, but it lasts a very long time with using 6 Tablespoons per batch! The essential oils run around $5-$10 for a 1 oz. Bottle (depending on the brand and where you get it from, I order on Amazon & use NOW brand). I have several types of essential oils and a 1 oz. Bottle will make a lot of this detergent.

I also make all of our laundry detergent as well. It cleans better than Tide and smells amazing! Maybe I will share in another post. I just made a huge bucket of it last weekend and you use 2-4 Tablespoons depending on the size of the load and how soiled the clothes are. It costs me about $100 a year to make our own laundry detergent!

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How the Single Life has been going…

My soon to be EX has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks now. It has been wonderful not having his negativity and pissy attitude in the house. Believe it or not, he actually tried to get me to meet him somewhere for sex. Really!?! I have not even had sex since my surgeries and I am frankly pretty scared of it hurting. Many woman have stated it hurt for several times after a hysterectomy where they remove the cervix and have to stitch it closed. They also stated that the length of your vagina is shortened so a long penis would also be painful. Long sucks anyway, what is great is a thick one! I have been thinking a lot about sex and I know I have to check to see if it hurts before I even attempt to do it with anyone. It has been 9 weeks since my last surgery this Monday that just passed.

Lately, I have been really tired often. I did way too much over the last two weeks trying to get through all the stuff in the big shed, the small shed, the shed attached to the house and the attic. I am having a yard sale this Saturday. I had to spend several days resting because I ended up in too much pain. I am still feeling very tired and my pain levels are up. My meds are not helping much at all.

I decided to join an online dating site. My daughter uses POF so I signed up for that one since it’s free to message, etc. I had lots of men hit on me there, but they mostly seemed to be after sex. I am looking for a man that fits with my morals and doesn’t lie. Which is a very hard thing to find. I have been married here times and I never held out for the right man that fit with me well. I don’t want to be with an alcoholic or a liar or a cheater. I want someone I can talk to and shares in my morals. I have never stole a thing in my life and I think everyone needs to treat the earth better. I talk to men that seems like they may fit according to their profile and then after talking a while I will meet them. I have met three men so far, because most men don’t even get to the stage of talking. They are alcoholics or liars or something else. One man, I quickly discovered he lied often and he had a drug problem. Another one I met and he came on so strong I knew all he wanted was sex, so no to that one too. However, I have met one man that fits with my morals, doesn’t seem to be a liar and I enjoy time with him. I have went out with him twice so far and we talk daily. He does seem to have some OCD issues and he is always going. I keep waiting to find out what is bad about him, since that is always what happens. It is so depressing. This man doesn’t seem to put forth much effort, which I don’t like. I was messaging him every day, so I stopped and after two days he messaged me. I want a man to court me like they would in the old days. I have NEVER had that! I do not want to ever live with a man again,but I would like to have a relationship where we were only with each other and we did things together. I really like having my bed and bathroom to myself! Maybe one day I will find the right guy and he will will be loving and attentive towards me.

So, that’s what’s been going on with me for the last few weeks. When I get the yard sale done, I will work on the Halloween props that need repair. After Halloween I will scrub all the baseboards and paint them, then the doors. The list is endless of things that need to be done here! My daughter is trying to find a job to help cover the utility bills. That’s all my ex even paid here, was three utility bills, yet he tells everyone that he paid all the bills here. I have always paid the biggest bill, the mortgage, and he has NEVER paid all the bills, but I did for a few years when he didn’t work. Makes me sick how much he lies. No one likes him and he has been trying to find people to do things with him. I married an unattractive man thinking he would never cheat. Guess it doesn’t matter what they look like! I’m totally done with marriage, three strikes and your out! I put my all into the marriages and they wouldn’t even try!

Wish me lots of luck for my future. I have been struggling with some serious depression every night. I am still swollen in my abdomen from doing too much too,so I feel fat…lol!

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My current picture…

Discovered my Spouse has been Cheating…

I already knew something was up. My intuition has never been wrong and he had been acting the part. My last husband cheated and left, I was with him for 16 years. This one I was with for 8 years. However, the last six months I began to stop having any feelings for him. He brought nothing but negativity into my life. He was the cause of all the drama and chaos here! When I told him I knew in a message, he came home from work with a cop to get some things. I knew he was going to do that, intuition! So, I had already packed up some of his stuff and it was waiting on the porch for him. I am one step ahead of his sorry butt! I don’t even want his last name, though it don’t want to deal with having to change all my things either. I will request my maiden name in the divorce. I will also get alimony…

It is amazing how much better everyone in this house feels. Now we know that all of the negativity was him. He tried so hard to make everyone fight. He is a horrible person. He lies so much you can’t believe anything he says. It feels amazing not having him here. I love having my bed and bathroom to myself and my son is finally happy, he is the man of the house. I should of left a long time ago, just from the lying and the fact he steals things. I have never done that and I am completely against it. I am strong now!

I had two major surgeries and almost died and he was shitty as hell. I always told him actions speak louder than words. It’s so much easier this time, because it didn’t love him like my last and I stopped having feelings for him with all he had done to me. I am a much stronger person now too, than I was before. It is amazing how going through major surgeries and almost dying will change you. I focus on the positive and always rely on my intuition.

I have chronic pain and I have to deal with that every day, but mentally I am in a better place now. I gave him everything and he will now begin to loose everything. I never want him even near me again. Too much negativity. We all actually figured out he was the cause of it all while he took a vacation by himself and was gone a week this month. We all felt pretty good until he came back.

Always, listen to your intuition, it is never wrong. You do not need to wait for proof. Trust me, I have been through it a few times! All that matters is that you are happy and you are not suffering at the hands of someone else! Abuse comes in all kinds of forms. You will know, because you will feel horrible all the time when that person is around. That is your sign to get away from them for ever! Your happiness is the most important thing for your life………….

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What’s Been Going On…

My husband left last Thursday to take his week vacation by himself. The only time we ever do anything together is during his vacation. He wanted to go by himself and I am always stuck here at this house. He has been distant, so I can only assume he is no longer wanting to be here with me. All he seems to care about is himself and his precious truck. He blew money we didn’t even have on the truck to try to impress people and I needed a list of things. I still have 1-3 more weeks of recovery and restrictions. I cant say how shitty it was for him to take his vacation during my recovery and then to go by himself. What an asshole. Why do I keep marrying assholes?

I have been feeling better over all, but still struggle with pain as the day wears on. I also have spells of depression every afternoon that goes into the evening but usually lifts by the time I go to bed or is gone by morning, only to do it again in the afternoon, every single day!

The last three mornings I have woke to pee trickling out of me. I don’t understand why it is doing that. I had no issues the first week after catheter removal. I wake two times in the night to pee, so why the hell is this happening in the morning?

My son made me feel good. He said how good I look and even after surgeries I still was beautiful. I can no longer wear make up. I put it on the other day and my face broke out. I guess lots of things in my body are changing from having my uterus, cervix, ovaries and tubes removed.

I feel so alone and lonely. At least I am able to do some cleaning now. I have to do small sections and then rest, but I can get something done every day. It helps to occupy my mind. I want to clean out the closet but that requires a lot of lifting and I am not supposed to lift things or push or pull things. I don’t need anymore problems, so I need to follow the rules!

I wish I was sharing my life with someone that had the same interests as I do and someone that showed their love for me. I guess I am supposed to learn how to be happy alone in this life.

I am off to find something to clean, so I can occupy my mind away from all the depressing things and feel like I accomplished something today………….

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Me without makeup on…