I saw the doctor today and he said I have a hole in my right ureter that is leaking urine and blood out into a large area of blood then out the hole in my vaginal cuff. Today they took the drain out that did nothing but hurt, but put a tube into my back from my right kidney down to my bladder. It is attached to a bag. The urine and blood from the hole is now going into the bag. Which is what it is supposed to do and I don’t have as much running out of my vagina. I go back on Friday for them to remove the tube and put in a stent that I have to keep in me for three month. The tube coming out my back hurts a lot and when I breathe in it hurts even more.

I spent ten hours today going from the doctors offices to the vascular center where they put the tube in and took out the drain. I just have to make it until Friday with this pain and carrying around a bag full of urine and blood. They said the stent will not cause me pain like this tube because it will not be sticking out my back.

I cannot sleep on my right side and that is how I sleep. I did nap when I got home on my left side to sleep off the sedation. I have already had to dump the bag as it had 250 ML of blood and urine in it already.

The doctor messed up and cut my ureter! I have been living in hell! I need all the prayers I can get so please send some up for me! If they did not put this tube in me I would of lost all function on the right side of my urinary tract. I wish I could sleep until Friday………….

Meditation to Heal….

I laid back down this morning, being sick will make you need lots of sleep. I did a meditation to help heal my body and get this infection abscess out of me. I started by relaxing and then I called to GOD and my guides to heal me. I envisioned the healing light fill my body and then I imagined little angels flying into my body and taking pieces of the abscess away. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke I was able to use the bathroom much more normal. I had been having trouble feeling a full bladder and getting it all out, but when I woke I went to the bathroom like normal. So, I will continue this meditation every morning when I lay down for my needed morning nap. I had read stories over the years of kids with cancer that would see the cancer being eaten by PAC man or other creatures and they improved dramatically. Some even got rid of all the cancer.

Our minds are powerful and we have the ability to create so much more than anyone seems to realize. I am willing to do anything possible to heal and recover from this mess. I look forward to being on the other side of healing and having only the memory of what had happened.

My friend brought me over a bag of Shakology and some almond milk. My blood levels are low and I am anemic. I am on iron supplement and I need a way to get protein in me when I can’t really eat much. I am excited to try it out. I hope it tastes great too. I have always wanted to try almond milk too. Shakology has everything your body needs to be healthy and heal and lots of people use it to loose weight and get healthy. Here is to hoping it gives my body the boost it needs to heal and recover………….

I was in the Hospital again…

So, after two days of leaking out watery blood that was smelling horrible I called the office again, this time they told me to go to the ER. This was on Thursday. I went in to the ER and my BP was very low, blood in my urine, hemoglobin very low and high platelets. The called my doctor in and his 2nd came to the ER. I do not like this women! She did a pelvic exam, finally, she pulled out chunks of stuff and cleaned around inside and it HURT! She said there is a hole in my vaginal cuff and proceeded to say I had to of put something in there, when I did NOT! The stuff coming out of me is an infection and the hole in the cuff was letting it come out of me, which was good in a way. They made me drink contrast for two hours and then a CT scan. Scan showed also an infection abscess in my lower left abdomen, where it has hurt me since surgery. I was admitted to the hospital and started on IV antibiotics plus and oral antibiotic. My left urethra line goes right through this abscess too.

The hospital here sucks! I swear they try to kill you. They wouldn’t give me my regular pain meds so I had to have someone bring them to me. I was sick as hell and couldn’t sleep. They said they couldn’t understand how I could be walking and talking and not have a high fever. My BP remained very low the entire time in the hospital and they were giving me my blood pressure meds! Idiots! They made me sicker!

They wanted to put a drain into my abscess but the machine broke down so I had to wait until the next day. Machine was still down so I had to drink contrast for two hours again and get another CT. The abscess was still the same. I waited a couple of hours and they finally got the machine up to do the drain. They inserted a line into the abscess and it felt like they were scraping me inside. They could not get much out of the drain but hooked up the suction bulb and told me to make sure it keeps suction by opening the valve and squeezing then closing the valve. I wanted to go home and they said I could after the drain, but then they were freaking out about my blood levels being so low so I had to wait for more blood work. I would have to get a blood transfusion if it did not improve at all. My hemoglobin was 6.8 and the blood work came back with it up a little to 7.2 so they finally let me go home Saturday. I felt horrible there and I just knew if I stayed any longer they would of killed me.

I am still leaking fluid out of me and they said it would be two weeks. So two weeks of depends! Sucks! I still have blood in my urine. The horrible smell from the stuff coming out of me went away though. I take one antibiotic three times a day and another one once a day. I feel better being home and on all of my medications. I guess the infection is very bad and will take time to get better. They said I could of died easily. Why do I keep having so much crap happen to me?

The drain site is extremely tender and sore. Only about an 1″ of the abscess fluid has Come up in the drain so far since it was put in Saturday. The fluid is very thick like jelly and blood colored. I see the doctor on Wednesday and hopefully the drain will get to come out then. I need this all to heal and get better so I can get better. I can’t wait to be past it all and it will be just a memory!

If I could go back I would never have the surgery. It was supposed to help me with all the pain I am in and all it did was make shit worse and about killed me. I don’t know if the doctor screwed up and caused this or I just get to be the lucky 1% that crap happens too. Please, if you read this, send up some prayers for me to heal and get better………….

Two Week Post-Op Vist…

I saw my doctor yesterday for my two weeks post-op visit. Upon arriving at the place I noticed it felt like I was trickling liquid out of me. I have been bleeding more than anyone else I know of and did not think to much of it. When I was in the room and checked by the nurse I decided to sit on the pad on the bed. That was a good thing. The doctor came in and looked at my stitches and said my pathology was all good. I stood up and I had bled through everything. Except it was more like blood colored water. They gave me a pad and told me that this can be normal, but to keep an eye on it for a while. They ran blood tests and my iron is LOW so I was put on an iron supplement. When I got home I changed my clothes and in 20 minutes I had bled through everything again. Then it was down to 15 minutes. I called the office and they said that they had told me this could be normal and to just keep an eye on it. Yet everywhere I have looked online says this is NOT normal! I had someone go get me a bag of Depends, adult diapers, since I could not contain this mess. It was like a faucet was on non stop! For the rest of the day I went through one Depends every three hours. After three hours it was full and bulky and very wet. I also did this the entire night. Where the hell does that much fluid even come from? I had a hell of a time sleeping.

I got up at 7am and again changed my diaper. I have been trying to rest and not move around to much. After three hours, again I had to put on another Depends. I have been wondering how the hell I am going to buy a bag of Depends every two days at $14 a pop! So far, I have gone four hour and I don’t have to change it yet, my fingers are crossed that it is done or will be very soon. I still feel it trickle out, but it is no longer non-stop.

What frustrates me the most is, I belong to a group online of other women who have hysterectomies and each section has a group for others who had it done around the same time as you so you can share with each other. I posted on everything that is occurring and all of them kept saying go to the ER or that I had a whack job for a doctor. I can’t just go to the ER, it’s the same place that i had my surgery done. I searched online everywhere for anyone else who had this happen to them and I came across one woman. They ran a ton of tests on her and never found anything to be wrong, put her on bed rest and it eventually stopped. So I have been feeling very scared and alone. I am usually the one who gets the one in a million things that happen to them so why should I be surprised. It’s the fact that every where I look says this is not good and to seek medical help, I seek medical help and they keep saying the same thing to me. That I need to just watch it and if it continues for more than two days to call them back. I did make it through two days of heavy bleeding and then it went back to normal for two days and then this happened to me.

I read posts everyday that all the other women in my group post and how most of them aren’t bleeding at all, let alone having to wear a diaper. I had the best in this area surgeon and everyone says how great he is. I also started crying out of the blue for spells yesterday. I was wondering when that would happen. No hormones anymore. I kept crying thinking how I was just like a baby, filling my diaper throughout the day and balling my eyes out! I see the doctor again in a month, which will be 6 weeks post-op for me. That is when he will do a pelvic exam and check on everything. He said nothing goes in there for six weeks or it can cause problems. That is also when I am supposed to be released to drive, swim and have sex again.

This has been a rough road for me. I did not expect all the issues I have had. Every single day I close my eyes and do a healing meditation with GOD. Healing me and my entire being. I can only hope, each day, that it will be a better day. Everyone heals, some just do it at different rates and some have weird things they have to deal with along the way. We all get there eventually! My tummy is still pretty bruised up but it’s faded a lot. It sure did get dark in those first few days. My doctor had told me that nothing he did caused that bruising and while at my appointment yesterday, the PA that was also at the hospital with me said that the instruments can bang around inside and cause that kind of bruising. I have not met anyone who had it happen to them yet though. I know how it happened, I had a full blown panic attack while in recovery because they left me there for too long in too much pain! I have a month of resting ahead of me. Right now I will be happy with not having to wear Depends anymore………….

I HAVE to make major changes…

I am slowly recovering from my surgery. Today I finally had a BM and it took exactly two weeks to have one. I feel things are all progressing along as they should. I see the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will say that all is healing well.

I already had an issue with the huge amount of negativity in my house and how “B” never can say anything positive. Every single day he wakes up and is in a negative mood and complaining. Every comment is negative. He is very much a jerk and I have found I just can’t take being around him at all anymore. I don’t understand how anyone can be that negative and hateful.

I don’t know if leaving here or removing him is the best option. Both pose a lot of problems. Honestly, I want to just leave, but my kids are here and they can’t afford the bills on there on. I am tired of tolerating so much negativity just to make sure the bills are paid and we have a roof over our heads. If my adult kids would band together and work together one could get a job and one could watch my grandson and they could help make sure the bills are covered. When I brought up me leaving before my kids flipped out, mostly my son. That I was screwing him and where would he live. My entire life I have put up with crap from another to survive. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I know I can’t do it anymore!

Post Op Day 13…

From Thursday until Sunday morning I bleed very heavy. I called as directed, but they just told me to call back if I soak an entire pad in thirty minutes again. Then it was the weekend so they are not there. I see my doctor on Tuesday.

Today has been a better day. I forced over 100 oz. Of fluids into my body and it seems to of helped. My pain is not too bad and all through the day I have been able to urinate without pain. I hope this continues through the night. Today is the first day I have not bled through a pad as well. I have my fingers crossed that all will be good when I see the doctor. As long as I keep making progress and stop having problems.

All in all I feel like I had the crappiest care at the hospital I went to. Should of know with is being a medical college and all. I have to say I truly suffered every single day from surgery until today. I am still getting exhausted easily. I spend most of my time laying down or sitting and take short walks to the bathroom. That’s the doctors orders. Not that I got a discharge paper that told me what not to do or what to do. I looked it all up online. I am still getting low grade fevers, but those tend to help your body heal and they have not increased at all.

Wish me luck that every day will look up from here………….

Post-Op Day 10…

It is 2:09 am… I woke covered in sweat. I have the window A/C running on top of the house A/C and it is cold in my room. So, how does this happen? This is now the third time this has occurred since my surgery. Once was last week and the last two have been the last two nights. They always happen at night, not just while I am taking a three hour nap. I am assuming it must be ‘Night Sweats’ which is part of menopause. If any of you have this occur and are in menopause, please share with me ways you have made it easier on yourself, if that is even possible. After all, I did have everything removed, so I no longer have ovaries to make female hormones for me.

It seems like every other day I have horrible unbearable pain. Then the days in between it is more tolerable. What is up with that? Yesterday was a horrible and unbearable pain day, as was two days prior to that. Tuesday night I woke all night long with gut wrenching pain and the entire day, when ever I stood up or sat down it hurt as if I was having a part of my abdomen ripped from me. By night time I was extremely drained and even said to God, “Why don’t you just kill me already and stop this torture” I don’t understand why I am not doing better by now. I took it easy and I have slept a lot, I drink tons of fluids, though I am finding it difficult to eat and I have to force food down my throat just to get up to 1200 calories that my APP says I have to have in order to not be in starvation mode. There are calories in everything I drink too.

My neighbor brought me a container of blueberries and said they help her have a BM. Yup, I still have not had a BM. I can’t help but wonder if that is part of the reason I am in so much pain. As I laid in bed last night, my entire mid section ached and felt so raw and painful. I thought to myself, “yup, this is some serious pain!” I have spent the entire week taking my pain medication on schedule. To get the best benefit I can from them. I have found that for a couple of hours in the after noon I catch a small break from the intensity of the pain. From my surgery all the way through Monday I slept almost non-stop. I could not stay awake for anything. The last couple of days I have been able to stay awake much more often. I would rather sleep, since then I am not suffering non-stop.

So many people who have had a hysterectomy say how great they feel after the first week. My major pain is in two areas in my gut. One being extremely intense and the other medium intensity. I have had these pains since I woke from surgery. Why the hell do I still have them? Why are they not getting better? Why do they feel just as intense as day one? Is it because I was left in so much pain in recovery that I had a full blown panic attack, which wrenched every muscle in my abdomen and caused bleeding through out my abdomen that turned black with in one day? Did I tear something in these two places and it is going to be horrible for me for how ever long it takes a torn muscle to repair? My surgeons only comment on it was that nothing he did caused that. Let’s see, who ever was responsible for what pain medication I got in recover is who did it to me then. Control the pain and give me my daily doses of Ativan through out the day to prevent a panic attack. It is so simple, yet it was not done! Now I get to cart around a very swollen black and purple tummy for god knows how long, on top of intense pain from what ever happened in there to cause all the bleeding. I am more than frustrated. I kept telling myself to make it through the first week and everything would be better.

I still need to write letters to a few people about my treatment there and to make matters worse, I was served with debt collection letters right after I was home from the hospital. I have to write a letter to the court stating that it was all debt incurred while I was married to hubby #2 and how they need to go after him for the money, even though I had done this multiple times with the company it’s self. I live on social security disability of $797 a month. You cannot get blood out of a turnip! It takes almost the entire deposit just to pay the mortgage! These things weigh on my mind until I get them done, so I really need to sit down tomorrow and write out the statements and get them mailed off!

I’m just so very frustrated and I need to wake up and not have the intensity of the pain that I have had since day one. I need something to show me that I am improving! Not the same crap day after day that screams, “You are going to suffer until you die”. I see my surgeon for my post-op appointment next Tuesday morning. He has a horrible bedside manner, so it will be short and harsh. I will get the results of pathology and basically that will be it. He may check my incisions inside my vaginal wall from where he removed my cervix and uterus and then had to stitch it all closed, it’s called a vaginal cuff. Straight and to the point with him. If it all looks good on paper then there is absolutely nothing wrong with me………….