How the Single Life has been going…

My soon to be EX has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks now. It has been wonderful not having his negativity and pissy attitude in the house. Believe it or not, he actually tried to get me to meet him somewhere for sex. Really!?! I have not even had sex since my surgeries and I am frankly pretty scared of it hurting. Many woman have stated it hurt for several times after a hysterectomy where they remove the cervix and have to stitch it closed. They also stated that the length of your vagina is shortened so a long penis would also be painful. Long sucks anyway, what is great is a thick one! I have been thinking a lot about sex and I know I have to check to see if it hurts before I even attempt to do it with anyone. It has been 9 weeks since my last surgery this Monday that just passed.

Lately, I have been really tired often. I did way too much over the last two weeks trying to get through all the stuff in the big shed, the small shed, the shed attached to the house and the attic. I am having a yard sale this Saturday. I had to spend several days resting because I ended up in too much pain. I am still feeling very tired and my pain levels are up. My meds are not helping much at all.

I decided to join an online dating site. My daughter uses POF so I signed up for that one since it’s free to message, etc. I had lots of men hit on me there, but they mostly seemed to be after sex. I am looking for a man that fits with my morals and doesn’t lie. Which is a very hard thing to find. I have been married here times and I never held out for the right man that fit with me well. I don’t want to be with an alcoholic or a liar or a cheater. I want someone I can talk to and shares in my morals. I have never stole a thing in my life and I think everyone needs to treat the earth better. I talk to men that seems like they may fit according to their profile and then after talking a while I will meet them. I have met three men so far, because most men don’t even get to the stage of talking. They are alcoholics or liars or something else. One man, I quickly discovered he lied often and he had a drug problem. Another one I met and he came on so strong I knew all he wanted was sex, so no to that one too. However, I have met one man that fits with my morals, doesn’t seem to be a liar and I enjoy time with him. I have went out with him twice so far and we talk daily. He does seem to have some OCD issues and he is always going. I keep waiting to find out what is bad about him, since that is always what happens. It is so depressing. This man doesn’t seem to put forth much effort, which I don’t like. I was messaging him every day, so I stopped and after two days he messaged me. I want a man to court me like they would in the old days. I have NEVER had that! I do not want to ever live with a man again,but I would like to have a relationship where we were only with each other and we did things together. I really like having my bed and bathroom to myself! Maybe one day I will find the right guy and he will will be loving and attentive towards me.

So, that’s what’s been going on with me for the last few weeks. When I get the yard sale done, I will work on the Halloween props that need repair. After Halloween I will scrub all the baseboards and paint them, then the doors. The list is endless of things that need to be done here! My daughter is trying to find a job to help cover the utility bills. That’s all my ex even paid here, was three utility bills, yet he tells everyone that he paid all the bills here. I have always paid the biggest bill, the mortgage, and he has NEVER paid all the bills, but I did for a few years when he didn’t work. Makes me sick how much he lies. No one likes him and he has been trying to find people to do things with him. I married an unattractive man thinking he would never cheat. Guess it doesn’t matter what they look like! I’m totally done with marriage, three strikes and your out! I put my all into the marriages and they wouldn’t even try!

Wish me lots of luck for my future. I have been struggling with some serious depression every night. I am still swollen in my abdomen from doing too much too,so I feel fat…lol!

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My current picture…

Discovered my Spouse has been Cheating…

I already knew something was up. My intuition has never been wrong and he had been acting the part. My last husband cheated and left, I was with him for 16 years. This one I was with for 8 years. However, the last six months I began to stop having any feelings for him. He brought nothing but negativity into my life. He was the cause of all the drama and chaos here! When I told him I knew in a message, he came home from work with a cop to get some things. I knew he was going to do that, intuition! So, I had already packed up some of his stuff and it was waiting on the porch for him. I am one step ahead of his sorry butt! I don’t even want his last name, though it don’t want to deal with having to change all my things either. I will request my maiden name in the divorce. I will also get alimony…

It is amazing how much better everyone in this house feels. Now we know that all of the negativity was him. He tried so hard to make everyone fight. He is a horrible person. He lies so much you can’t believe anything he says. It feels amazing not having him here. I love having my bed and bathroom to myself and my son is finally happy, he is the man of the house. I should of left a long time ago, just from the lying and the fact he steals things. I have never done that and I am completely against it. I am strong now!

I had two major surgeries and almost died and he was shitty as hell. I always told him actions speak louder than words. It’s so much easier this time, because it didn’t love him like my last and I stopped having feelings for him with all he had done to me. I am a much stronger person now too, than I was before. It is amazing how going through major surgeries and almost dying will change you. I focus on the positive and always rely on my intuition.

I have chronic pain and I have to deal with that every day, but mentally I am in a better place now. I gave him everything and he will now begin to loose everything. I never want him even near me again. Too much negativity. We all actually figured out he was the cause of it all while he took a vacation by himself and was gone a week this month. We all felt pretty good until he came back.

Always, listen to your intuition, it is never wrong. You do not need to wait for proof. Trust me, I have been through it a few times! All that matters is that you are happy and you are not suffering at the hands of someone else! Abuse comes in all kinds of forms. You will know, because you will feel horrible all the time when that person is around. That is your sign to get away from them for ever! Your happiness is the most important thing for your life………….

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What’s Been Going On…

My husband left last Thursday to take his week vacation by himself. The only time we ever do anything together is during his vacation. He wanted to go by himself and I am always stuck here at this house. He has been distant, so I can only assume he is no longer wanting to be here with me. All he seems to care about is himself and his precious truck. He blew money we didn’t even have on the truck to try to impress people and I needed a list of things. I still have 1-3 more weeks of recovery and restrictions. I cant say how shitty it was for him to take his vacation during my recovery and then to go by himself. What an asshole. Why do I keep marrying assholes?

I have been feeling better over all, but still struggle with pain as the day wears on. I also have spells of depression every afternoon that goes into the evening but usually lifts by the time I go to bed or is gone by morning, only to do it again in the afternoon, every single day!

The last three mornings I have woke to pee trickling out of me. I don’t understand why it is doing that. I had no issues the first week after catheter removal. I wake two times in the night to pee, so why the hell is this happening in the morning?

My son made me feel good. He said how good I look and even after surgeries I still was beautiful. I can no longer wear make up. I put it on the other day and my face broke out. I guess lots of things in my body are changing from having my uterus, cervix, ovaries and tubes removed.

I feel so alone and lonely. At least I am able to do some cleaning now. I have to do small sections and then rest, but I can get something done every day. It helps to occupy my mind. I want to clean out the closet but that requires a lot of lifting and I am not supposed to lift things or push or pull things. I don’t need anymore problems, so I need to follow the rules!

I wish I was sharing my life with someone that had the same interests as I do and someone that showed their love for me. I guess I am supposed to learn how to be happy alone in this life.

I am off to find something to clean, so I can occupy my mind away from all the depressing things and feel like I accomplished something today………….

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Me without makeup on…

UPDATE: catheter is finally out…

On Friday I went in for a test to check my bladder, ureter and kidney. They hooked up a bottle of contrast to my catheter and it was supposed flow down into my bladder, but it would not go in. They spent over a half hour trying to get the contrast to go into my bladder and it wouldn’t. It was like something was blocking the catheter line, even though I had no problems with it prior. They ended up having to manually inject the contrast into me with a syringe into the catheter line. Which tells me something must of been in the way and the force of the syringe allowed the contrast to get past it. My bladder became full quickly and they started taking pictures with the fluoroscopy machine. I had to roll to each side and get pictures. They were checking to make sure there were no leaks or reflux. Then the fluoroscopy machine stopped working. They ended up having to restart the entire system. I was thinking, “Geeze, why is it everything that can happen seems to happen to me?” The machine got back up and working and they finished taking pictures. Everything looked great! They hooked me back up to my catheter bag and told me they could not take it out. I was pissed and asked them to call the doctor so I could get it out. Meanwhile, the contrast is not coming out of me into the catheter bag. I sat, then stood, then walked and even sat on the toilet and used force and nothing! There had to be something in there blocking it! Finally, the doctor called back and said yes, they could remove the catheter. As soon as it came out of me, I went to the toilet and peed like crazy. What a relief to finally have that out of me after 25 days!

I had feared not being able to pee or having pain, like many people posted after a catheter was in for an extended period of time, but I had no problems at all. No pain either and I no longer had the stabbing pain the catheter caused me. The only issue I have had was the first two nights I was up every single hour to pee, then last night I was up every two hours to pee. My bladder had to stretch again. I made sure I tried to hold my urine when I felt I had to pee for a little bit to help my bladder get back to normal.

I was at my parents house from August 21 until September 2 and it was so peaceful and nice. My parents waited on me so I didn’t do things that I was restricted from. I had no worries really at all while I was there. I want so badly to be back there now!

I haven’t even been home a week and my adult kids have already been at it again. Getting drunk and fighting. I finally said no alcohol is allowed in this house and if you break the rule, your out. I can pack up and move in with my parents and then they will all be homeless when the house is taken away. I don’t even want to be here, but it is the only way they all have a roof over their heads. I don’t even have enough money after bills to buy things I need. Yet, they go out and get what ever they want. Just kills me. They all need a dose of reality. My grandson is the only reason I am here! He is in Pre-K now and in speech therapy.

“B” and I just live like roommates. He doesn’t do anything with me or even spend time with me when I am laid up. I have gotten to the point I just don’t care anymore. That sucks, because once you get here, there is no going back. I have never been to a concert and he won tickets, but I am in recovery and couldn’t go, he went! He leaves Thursday to go up to see his family by himself. He insisted he was going by himself. Can’t even take a vacation with me. He says he loves me, but there is no way that can be true! It sucks! Just have to learn to love to be with me, myself and I. Oh, and my two kitties!

If I lived with my mom she would have someone to do things with. I would get to do things, instead of being stuck here alone and having to listen to my daughter scream and yell.

So Frustrated…

I have been leaking around the catheter line since the day after I was in the ER and found out I had an infection, even though I was on antibiotics! It seems to be getting worse! I had already resorted to wear a generic form of depends underwear, which suck by the way, because underwear and a pad were not catching all of it and it was running down my leg! Last night I decided I would try wrapping the top of the line where it goes into me with gauze and then secured the exposed part with tape and I put on underwear with a pad. After two hours, my pad was soaked, the gauze was soaked and so was my underwear. I don’t know if it caused more of a leak or I have been leaking that much in the depends underwear, since they hold a lot more than a period pad. So much for thinking I might be able to wear underwear instead of the bulky ass diaper underwear! So frustrating!

Basically, there is nothing I can do about it and I have to have this in until the 10th of September. 30 days total! From what I can tell I will need to wear diapers for a few days while I try to learn how to pee again then. I so want to be done with all of this.

I have been paranoid about getting another infection, so three times a day I wipe it all down with alcohol to sterilize it! My last antibiotic is on Tuesday, I am returning home Tuesday and calling that morning to the doctors office to request they call I more antibiotics to get me until the catheter is removed! I have been on one form or another of antibiotics since July 17th. Yesterday morning and when I just got up there was a line of white urine in the tube. Like watered down milk. I have been passing a lot of white stuff too. I am forcing myself to drink as much water as possible. Did I mention how much I hate water!

Saturday was the first day I did not feel really sick. I actually felt like I had energy too. I even only took one nap. So, I figured the infection finally got beat down enough not to make me sick. Yet, the leaking has increased! I did not leak at all until after going to the ER and finding out I had an infection? Probably just coincidence. I had been thinking the leaking was caused by the infection and that maybe it would go away when the infection went away. I have read though, that when you have a catheter in for over two weeks, it is common for it to leak. The doctor said I would have it one to two weeks. I feel like he lied about every single thing to me. He insists I need it in this long and the benefits out weight the negatives. He doesn’t have to have it in him and hurting him 24/7. Many people say they don’t feel it, but mine hurts at all times, sometimes so bad I want to scream. It’s always a burning and irritated feeling, then it will jab stabbing pains up into me. I have had it in for 20 days and I have 10 more to go! I am having some test done on Friday that checks to make sure your bladder and all is working right and there is no reflux.

I only have two days left here at my parents and then a seven hour car ride back to my home. I so pray my family will be adults and get along and just be a family. I will miss the pure peace and quiet I get here. My parents waiting on me. They show concern for me and talk to me every day. My mom cooks and makes sure I eat right.

I slept about a hour and a half before I just woke and discovered everything wet. So, now I will be up for a bit. At least it is early enough that I should be able to get more sleep. One good thing about being back home is I have a fridge in my bedroom so I can get an ice cold drink when I get up at night. Here, I take a tea to bed and then drink that when I am up in the night and it’s usually pretty warm by then. I love lipton citrus green tea. My parents golf on the weekends. Yesterday they left here at 8:15am and were back at 11:45am. Today they leave at 9am and should be back around noon. Usually when I am here my parents take me out to eat a lot, but since I am attached to a big green bag that holds the big catheter bag, since I can’t wear the leg bag because it causes more leaking and won’t stay up on my skinny legs, I am not really wanting to go out anywhere. On the trip here I had to stop every two hours and get out of the car to move around and carry my bag. People would stare at me. The one bad habit I have is smoking, so I did go into a gas station to get some cigarettes with my bag and had urine run down my leg while I was paying. I have no dignity left.

I really pray I am able to urinate on my own when they take this thing out. I had one in for a couple of hours and I could pee but it burned like hell and took a lot of focus to get the urine out. I was determined though! It seems I get a night of decent sleep the a few where I am up a lot. Send some prayers this way for me, please………….

Another Infection…

On Monday, I could not stay awake more than one hour at a time. I became very ill Monday afternoon and evening. I had the chills, goosebumps and a fever. I was freezing even outside here and it’s hot here. I felt so very sick and weak. This went on for 3-4 hours, then it went away and I felt better before bed time.

The next morning I called my doctor to let them know and I was called back quickly and told to go to the ER because I might have an abscess. I spent six hours in the ER. They took urine, blood and did a CT scan with IV contrast. It took forever for the doctor to come in with the results. I have two small abscess’ and a acute infection. I had to get an IV push of strong antibiotics. I have been on antibiotics, so how the hell did I get the infection. I guess because of the damn catheter! It took an hour and a half to get the antibiotics in me and I felt super sick on my way back to the house. They gave me an RX for seven days of the antibiotics, so now I have to go home two days early from here, in time to get a RX called in back at my house and have it to take so I don’t miss any days. One thing after another!

So, today I now have urine leaking out around the catheter and running down my leg. My bladder has been hurting horribly and I’m so darn exhausted. So, I have to wear depends instead of underwear and I have to carry a tote bag around that holds the big bag for the catheter, because I can’t use the leg bag. I had to get something in the store so I put on my long dress and my dad drove me there. At check out I bent forward to sign my slip and I felt urine running down my leg. That is why I now have to wear depends too! I came back to the house and cried! I am so tired of the crap. Always something.

I got rid of the blood and clots and then I get super sick and have an infection, then I am leaking urine. I found that it is common when you have a catheter in for a long period of time. What else happens that is common is for your bladder and spasms to get worse. OMG, I can’t even sit still and not be in pain. I took everything I had and after an hour I finally had some relief. I am at my wits end with all of this. Maybe I should sue, lord knows I have been through hell and it all started with the hysterectomy and the doc not taking extra cautions that would of caught the hole in my ureter right then and there and he could of fixed it right there and I never would of gotten deathly ill or had to have a large incision abdominal surgery, etc… Pain and suffering alone……. I may do it. Lord knows I need the money. I just don’t know if I can deal with the stress of it. I can’t sit for too long or my tailbone hurts so bad I can’t stand it. I just need everything to calm down and for my body to heal and this to be all over with!

Awake at 3:00 AM….

Just about every night I am wake from 3-5 am. Sometimes I wake up with horrible cramps in my legs, feet or hands and sometimes I just wake up hurting in my back, side or hips and have to get up.

Having had two major surgeries six weeks apart sure has taken a toll on my body. I am exhausted all the time. Every two hours I have to go lay down and nap. I have aching pain throughout my abdomen and back. My hips feel like they are badly bruised, yet there is nothing on them. I can’t even lay on them due to how badly bruised they feel. The incision line is also causing me a great deal of discomfort! And let’s not forget the damn catheter that constantly hurts!

I try to not dwell on these things. I try to keep my mind occupied with something, but when your exhausted and hurting this much, it’s extremely difficult.

Everyone told me that after my hysterectomy I would be saying it was the best thing I ever did. I supposed that may of been true if I had not had the complications and required another major and even more invasive surgery. If I could, I would go back and never have the hysterectomy. I would deal with the pain I had instead of all of this!

Today would of been 8 weeks from my radical hysterectomy. All the women in my group who had a hysterectomy in that week time frame are now back to work and back to normal. Mine was off from the start though. Usually after a hysterectomy you don’t bleed much, just spot for a bit. I bled more than spotting right from the start, which then became heavy bleeding and then turned to very watery blood coming out of me. Unfortunately for me, it took the doctor way too long to figure out that I had a hole in my ureter and it was leaking out of me through a hole in my vaginal cuff. I guess the force of all the fluid caused my vaginal cuff to open up, so the fluid could escape. I also had a large hematoma in my abdomen. I didn’t feel right from the moment I woke in recovery and over the course of 2 weeks I progressively become more and more ill. Even then, the doctors office ignored my pleas that something was wrong. How do you tell a patient to just watch the large amount of fluid coming out of them. Nowhere can I find where this is ever normal. Due to that, I spent two days getting sicker and then the fluid began to smell like death. Even with CT scans they did not recognize the hole in the ureter for another week. The place that out a stent in from my kidney to bladder, screwed up and it came out the hole in my ureter and was visible through the hole in my vaginal cuff. Nothing but errors over and over again. I do believe the hospital here tries to kill you.

Then I had a large abdominal incision to repair it all right at 6 weeks post-op from the first surgery. I NEVER want to go through that again. I had an epidural and was still in way too much pain! The first two days I just wanted to die. Then you have to get out of bed and move and every movement is horribly painful, but the more you do it, the quicker it eases up.

Now I am at 2 weeks post-op for the last surgery. I am at my parents house in Florida where it is peaceful and quiet so I can recover the best possible way. My house is full of negativity and drama and not a good place to heal. My appetite is better this time. I am actually eating and I was able to have a Bowel Movement after 8 days instead of two weeks like the first time. It just gets hard to push onward sometimes. I get so tired of being so tired and hurting. I want so badly for everything to heal nicely and there be No more problems. I have a catheter in me and they won’t remove it until September 10th and that is if the test they do on the 5th shows everything is working right. I am concerned of what I will face once it is removed. Will I have urine leakage for a while until my bladder works properly? Will I be able to pee on my own? I wish there was something I could to in order to ensure I will be just fine once it is removed. So much on my plate, I have made it through so many obstacles too. I am ready to be whole again, to be me!………….