Catch Your Thoughts….

For the next 24 hours, pay attention to your thoughts and when you have a negative thought, turn those negative thoughts around and speak out loud something positive instead. Catch yourself before you say anything negative out loud. If your feeling pissed off over something, then say out loud a list of positive affirmations. Just commit to trying it for the next 24 hours.

Sometimes we slip and revert back to negative thoughts, but being mindful of what we are thinking can and will lift your mood and create much happier days. What is being mindful? It is focusing on the here and now. What we are doing and thinking right now. Being in the present moment. Not the past or the future. There really only is the here and now. The past is over and cannot be changed. The future has not occurred yet. Being mindful creates a much happier future.

Cutting the people out of your life that bring negativity and sadness is by far an important first step. We need to be surrounded by happy people so we can be supported in a positive way. Sometimes we cannot cut every single negative person out of our lives, but we can change how we let them affect us and our thoughts. It is much easier to feel good when you are surrounded by positive people. In the end though, we are in control of our own thoughts and action regardless of how others act. I trimmed my friends list down to two close friends and just a couple of people I know and occasionally speak with. Friends can help lift your mood and they can also be a damper on our moods.

Next, you need to give yourself a few moments a day where you can sit quietly with nature and just be in that present moment. I sit on my back porch either early morning or late at night and I listen to the sounds of nature. I identify every sound I hear. Doing this brings you into the present moment. I focus on my breathing, making sure my tummy rises and falls with each breath. Counting to five as I breath in slowly and then counting to five as I exhale slowly. This is rhythmic breathing. Doing this also places you in the present moment. Clearing your mind of any thoughts as they pop up and just focusing on the breath and the sounds you hear. Doing this is so important! It is more important than anything else, so make the time to do this daily, even if it is just ten minutes.

Our minds are very powerful! The thoughts we allow shape our days and our moods. In the beginning you have to fake it until you make it. Catch those thoughts that are negative and change then to positive ones or affirmations that you speak out loud. We have the power to create anything we so desire. All you have to do is be mindful and focus your thoughts. The number one thing people say they want is to be happy. So, every single day, say out loud, “I AM HAPPY!” Look in the mirror and smile at yourself! No matter your life’s situation, you have the power to feel happiness. All you have to do is choose it.

Refocusing…

Today I am refocusing and getting myself out of the darkness! I was lost in there and I need to bring myself out of it. When everything in life seems to be bad, we need to focus on the things that are stable. Like, I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. When we are in your darkest moments, there is always something that shines with light.

Struggling with so much pain is exhausting. We have to focus our attention away from that pain any way possible. That is where keeping the mind busy is so important. An idle mind focuses on the pain, but a mind with things to focus on allows you to escape momentarily from the pain. These moments are crucial to surviving with chronic pain. I call it catching a break.

There are little games that are made for exercising your brain. These are helpful when you are trying to bring your attention away from the pain. Just a few minutes a day using these mind builders is said to build your mind, like exercise. They also offer you moments of escape, because your attention is focused on the game with a time limit. We need as many of these little distractions as possible in order to get through each day.

I have also found that if I sit down with one of my dragon statues to dust, I can get caught up in trying to get the dirt out of each nook and cranny. The key is giving your mind something to focus on that is away from the pain. When we sit there and allow out mind to focus on the pain, it amplifies. We then find ourselves in a very dark place. It is difficult to get out of that dark place once you are in there.

Yes, it completely sucks when you are having to live life in so much pain. The only way to survive a life like that is to find things to focus your attention on. A friend of mine messaged me this morning and said she was going to Charleston on the 25th to see her ill grand baby in the hospital and wanted me to ride with her. I jumped on that offer. A change of scenery and going somewhere I have never been before. Now I have something to look forward to and I found myself smiling the biggest smile I have had in a long time.

If you do one thing today, make it something that will focus your mind and attention away from your pain! Draw, play a game, color, crafts, watch a movie or clean. Just do something instead of allowing your mind to swim in the darkness of pain and suffering………….

Feeling Lost…

Well, I called to see if I could get in with the new dentist that I have to see in order for my insurance to pay for it and the soonest appointment they have is May 19th. Really!?! I told her I would have to call her back. The dentist I used to see when I had money would of got me in today. I do not want to go to a different dentist, but I have no money. I really don’t know what to do about it, so I guess I will call back tomorrow and make the appointment for the 19th. I have had a bad tooth on the right and was unable to see a dentist for it. It has been bad for over a year and I can’t eat on that side, now I can’t eat on the left side either. I did find I can chew on the right as long as it is very soft food. So I ate some macaroni and cheese this evening. That’s all I will be eating for today. I had hoped my parents would help me out by paying for me to go to my normal dentist to get the broken tooth fixed, but I guess that isn’t happening. I am done begging for help!

I am still having horrible pain in my back, on top of my already barely tolerable pain! That brings irritability and mood swings, when the pain is too much to handle. Joy! I feel so overwhelmed and lost in the sea of darkness. Too much of everything negative going on!

One positive thing though… “B” picked up two new windows for my bedroom and he took out one of the old ones today and put one of the new ones in. It took several hours, mostly because it was difficult to get the old window out. That window was so bad I could feel the outside air on me if I stood near it. I can’t wait for the other one to be installed. It is amazing how just the one window has made a huge difference in the temperature and noise in my room. Unfortunately, while installing the new window, “B” ended up having to grid the brick down to fit the new one in. He hung a sheet, but my room was flooded in red dust. I spent the entire day trying to clean it all up. With my pain and not being able to move a whole lot, it’s been a nightmare. Wouldn’t you know it, not a single person tried to help me. This is why I feel so darn alone all the time. I used a Swiffer duster I had and wiped from ceiling to floor and then slowly worked my way around the room sitting and scooting with a wet rag and finally I just vacuumed the floor by sitting on my bed and pushing the vacuum as far as I could reach. “B” is going to get himself a truck, even though there isn’t much food in this house and we eat around two dinners a week here. He doesn’t care. I am lucky that he got the windows for my bedroom. He only cares about himself. He will complain all the time that he doesn’t have money or gas in the van, but he is going to go get a truck… He has a van for his use at all times. I don’t drive. I just don’t understand it. I told him it sure would be nice to at the least be able to eat one meal a day, but he won’t budge. He pays his bills and does what ever he wants. Not one thought towards me or what might make my life a little better. How about paying for me to go to the dentist and fix the broken tooth? He doesn’t have to live with constant horrible pain. He can eat whatever he wants. He doesn’t have the cancer word shadowing him. Yup, I am feeling extremely sorry for myself.

It is storming out right now. The rain is coming down hard and the thunder/lightning is super close and loud. Just another thing that amplifies my pain levels. I am going to take a sponge bath, since I can’t hold my arms over my head, and then lay down in bed and watch Netflix until I can fall asleep.

If you have people that are supportive of you, then you are so very lucky! If you have someone that caresses your skin or will try to massage you to help with your pain, then you are extremely lucky! If you live in a home where you do not have to hear screaming all day long and constant negativity, thenI wish I could trade places with you. If just one area of my life could just be good! Instead of flat broke, barley any food, constant pain and always alone with no one that is supportive or caring towards me………….

More Crap…

So yesterday I was eating a salad and when I bit down I felt something hard so I went to the bathroom and part of my tooth broke off. It has a nice sharp edge and is scratching my cheek. I am drinking out of straws and hoping I can get in with someone by mid week. I haven’t been able to eat on the right side of my mouth for a year due to a bad tooth and this broken tooth is on the left, so I guess no eating for me. I am having sensitivity in the tooth, but I definitely could be worse. I sure don’t want to wait to long to get it fixed! Thankfully I now have some dental coverage.

They called with my appointment for the gynecologist oncologist and that is on a april 23rd. I should find out if he is going to go in for a biopsy or go in and take everything out. I fear cutting the growth, because you do not want to cut cancer and spread those cells through the body.

Two days ago I suddenly buckled over in intense pain higher up in my left side of my back than normal and I have not been able to get control of that pain since. It’s horrible. I feel so overwhelmed and like I am at the end of my rope. I was supposed to go grocery shopping today and I can’t do it. I have to lay in bed curled into a ball in order to even get an ounce of sleep. I have to sit hunched forward as this provides the least amount of pain. I had been having some issues with this area over the last few weeks, but it never stayed and it was not this intense. I feel like the cancer must of spread or something in order for it to be farther up my back. That is scary as hell. I have also had increased pain on the right side as well. This new area of pain is right where the spleen is on the left side of your back. I have also had pain in the lower abdomen now as well. Of course, I still have all the rest of the areas in pain too. The usual sources. My tailbone, low back on both sides, left hip, legs, feet and my neck.

I have an appointment with a foot doctor tomorrow and I have had to change this appointment a few times before for different reasons. I feel I need to cancel so I can try to get in with a dentist. I was set up with a foot doctor for the numbness in my feet and the pain, but now we are looking at all of the pain and even the feet may be caused by the growths on my ovaries. Do I call and leave a message saying I broke a tooth so I need to cancel in order to get in with a dentist as soon as possible?

I read some articles on the use of Frankincense essential oil on cancer. Some people swear by it and say that it shrinks the growths and even has gotten rid of their cancer all together. I have some of this and I figured it sure couldn’t hurt, so three days ago I started rubbing it on all the areas of my pain, the bottom of my feet, behind both ears and on my naval. My intense chronic pain began around three years ago or so and since it has spread. In the beginning it was only in my lower back and left hip area, but really deep inside. I couldn’t stand to shower and had to use a shower chair. I couldn’t hold my hands over my head and I had out spend a lot of time in bed in a certain position. So it has spread out to a much larger area and down my legs and feet. I have not been able to feel my feet for almost two years now. They are numb, yet it have a crushing pain in the balls of the feet.

And finally……. Last night my adult children had a couple of friends over to play beer Pong. One of the people over, I will call him “D”, has a history of bad behavior and getting violent, not to mention he always seems to be completely messed up on something. I finally went to bed just before midnight, after I told them to quiet down some since it was late and they were outside and noisy! At 12:30 my sons girlfriend came into my bedroom sobbing and woke me up. She said my son had beat “D” because he acted up again and wouldn’t stop. So out the door I go and I find my son standing there pissed off yelling at “D” and then “D” standing there covered in blood. There was a pool of blood on the porch as well. So I went in the house and got an old towel to clean up the pool of blood and a bucket of soapy water and several paper towels to clean up “D”. When I finally got most of the blood off of him I found that it was mostly coming from his nose and mouth. This was strike three for “D” and he is never allowed over here again. He gets wasted and then violent and it is as if he is blacked out while he is attacking someone. Twice before I had to not allow him over for many months. My sons head was bleeding, I guess he got his head slammed into the brick on the house at some point. He insisted I clean up “D” fist so I did. I finally went back to bed at 2am.

I have repeatedly begged for some peace and calm around here with all I am having to deal with and this is the crap I get. You would think they would realize that playing beer pong always results in something happening and they would consider me before themselves, but NO, they care only about themselves! I would never do that crap to my mother. I read how stress can cause changes in your body that make it easier for cancer to grow and make it worse. At this point I am struggling with just wanting to die right now and end all of my suffering. I do not have a support system, no one can put anyone before themselves here and all they care about is getting drunk………….

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I love the TV show The Walking Dead, this is from the last season!

Doctor visit…

I saw my doctor today to go over the ultrasound results.

The cysts on both of my ovaries, with the elf to one being very large and pressing my uterus to the right, are complex. Which means they contain fluid and solid mass. The only way to know if it is cancer is to have it tested, so now I wait a couple of days then my doctor will call me with an appointment to see a gynecologist oncologist and then I will see what route he wants to go. Either a biopsy or removal of everything.

So I get to wait even longer…

My doctor does believe that the growths are causing all of my intense pain. I am in so much pain I can’t stand it and I am on a pretty decent amount of pain meds. I am always tired too. I am hoping that when they finally remove everything and I recover, I will no longer be in this constant unbearable pain!

I have taken all of my meds for today and I still can’t catch a break from this pain. I just don’t know what else to do………….

Stress…

I have felt overwhelmingly like I am drunk. My vision goes double and I stumble like I had been drinking, but I do not drink at all. I thought one of medications were to blame, so I did not take that medication today and I found that I made it most of the day before the drunkenness occurred, then when it did occur I realized it was being brought on by way too much stress.

I have been very worried about possibly having cancer since they found a growth on both of my ovaries, but the one on the left is much larger and pushing my uterus over to the right. I have to wait until Thursday this week for the ultrasound review and then see what type of doctor I have to go to for surgery. A regular GYN if the growth is not cancer and a GYN oncologist if it is cancer and I will have to have chemo as well. It is believed that this growth is the cause for much of my overwhelming pain in my low back and left hip area. This is where the pain gets way more than I can handle and today I couldn’t catch a single break from that pain no matter what I did.

I have begged for some peace in the house while I try to deal with my extra stress and worry this week, but no one can possibly do that for me. My two adult children only care about drinking and when I came out of my room this evening they had a friend over and were playing beer pong on my dinning room table. The friend over is the one that either shows up here already wasted or ends up wasted while he is here. He has had many problems over the last few years and I have kicked him out of being aloud over several times already. So, I was pretty pissed off when I saw this and told them they can NOT play beer pong in the house and then told the friend I would not tolerate him being wasted over here. The next thing I know I have tears in my eyes and I am fuming mad, then the drunken feeling started up again.

I have been going to bed by 11pm and getting up around 10am, then needing a 2 hour nap in the afternoons. I have also been having pain that goes up toward my rib cage on the left side of my pain, which is new. I really just want them to hurry up and take the growth out, but I fear having to have a hysterectomy due to the large incision and recovery time and I really do not want chemo as that makes you so ill and I cannot stand to throw up. I feel like I am dying when I throw up. So here is hoping for no cancer and the growth being able to be removed through laparoscopy! But hats how my gall bladder was removed and I did pretty good from that. The fear of cancer is high since I had so much sudden weight loss over the last year and other things that scream cancer. I often feel like I could handle it better if someone in this house would just open up to me and let me get out all my worries to them, but they all just tell me not to worry about it until I get the results………….

I am in a Dark Place…

This is going to be a very dark and negative post. I have been struggling for the last week with fear and stress.

I have been overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown. Fearing I may have cancer and they finally found it. From the weight loss a year ago and my pain spreading, along with several other red flags that the doctors just seemed to ignore…. I finally had a CT scan and then an ultrasound. All the signs point to cancer, but iI won’t know for sure until Thursday. My pain levels have been extremely high.

I have begged my family that lives with me to offer up some peace, compassion and understanding while I struggle through this time. What I have received is stress, worry, aggravation and chaos, B just cannot put me first for anything. My daughter is a drunk and messed up in drugs again. I spend my days hearing her scream and yell at her four year old son. I came out from a nap and found her passed out on the couch and my grandson peeling the outside of a box off of it. My son argues with me and calls me names. Not one of them seems to be able to do anything remotely nice or considerate for me. Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if I do have cancer. Maybe it will be my way out of this hell hole!

I received a text from B asking if I wanted a pizza or some wings. I told him yes some wings with the sauce is like and I would just eat it tomorrow. He messages me back and said he had meant to sent that text to Brian but if I wanted some wings he could get them for me. Just another example of how I will never be number one in his life. He walks around here negative and depressed, but everyone says when I am not here he is just fine.

I just give up! I’m too tired and way too stressed out to try to make life here livable. I have had to take two hour naps every afternoon and go to bed by 11pm then wake up at 10am. I am going to just go with the flow and sleep when I can until Thursday and then find out what my next step is. I do not want chemo therapy and I think it would be best if I just didn’t have it at all anyway. I refuse to be sick just to try to live a little longer. I’m getting ahead of myself here. It might not be cancer, even though I have had all the symptoms of it being cancer.

Sorry this is a depressive post. I have worked so hard and fought tooth and nail to get through the last few months. Everyone has bad times and right now I am having a horrible time of it all………….